When I anticipate that I will encounter difficult people in the day, I think of the words written by Marcus Aurelius:

“Tell yourself: the people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own“.

One of the facts of life is we are going to encounter people who rub us up the wrong way or raise the very devil in us on a daily basis. Even Roman Emperors had to put up with “people problems”.

People Problems

Marcus Aurelius would choose not to let such people bother him. Despite the power that he wielded Marcus Aurelius chose to ignore difficult people or do his best to work with them resolving not to let their character flaws upset him or cloud his judgement in any way.

This sort of inner peace is not something that comes easily to alcoholics. I know that one of my main triggers to drinking were people. Rather than learn to shrug off the opinions or insults of others I would respond by getting drunk, angry or both. It doesn’t really solve anything, in fact it makes it worse. My anger would revert to resentment and fed by alcohol it would fester long after the slight should of been forgotten.

On good days I was obstinate, moody, rude and obnoxious. Most people have rough days, Alcoholics generally have them more than others.

Stay Calm, at Peace, Passive

Achieving Emotional Sobriety is similar to achieving a sense of equanimity and serenity sought by the Stoics in their pursuit of virtue above passion. The Jedi Code also teaches that peace and serenity are achieved by being mindful of our emotions and avoiding excessive passion. In other words, “Lighten Up”.

The Jedi Code does not suggest that emotion or passions are bad. Emotions are a normal response to life. Passions also make us human Some emotions serve, others don’t. Getting back at a rude person at the grocery check out by being angry and spiteful is barely productive and rarely serves. Passions too can be excessive and lead to inner and outer conflict. Alcoholism is an example of rampant passion, as is envy or resentment.

The goal of Jedi philosophy is to achieve peace and serenity not only inwardly but also to those around them. The fictional Jedi did not hold grudges and they preferred to use diplomacy, wit and humor to deal with difficult people. They tried to avoid trouble rather than resort to using their Light Sabres.

Dealing with Assholes

Assholes are everywhere, they seem more numerous than leaves on the ground. How does one handle the inevitable assholes of the world? The one’s you encounter every day? The one’s who get under your skin?

I find that a mix of tolerance and humor works. Why?  Because I found both these responses completely disarming when I was trying my best to be an alcoholic asshole. I also found that its generally not worth getting worked up about.

There is nothing more satisfying for someone trying to raise the devil in you than to see it happen. When I wanted to make life hell for someone it always pleased me to see Id managed to get them angry or upset. Why? Because I “owned” them in that moment. I was dictating their emotions and the mood of their day not them. Its a powerful thing and it’s wrong.

So how should we respond? First of all ask, “is it worth it?”, can they be ignored? Don’t take the bait, if someone gives you the finger in traffic, wave at them in a friendly and happy way. They will be shocked and probably lighten up (or they may really twist off). Someone hot headed trying to barge in to a line at the supermarket? Let them in and wish them a ”nice day”. Someone just made a comment about your size, height or skin color? Laugh it off, they will feel foolish. Retorting with wit and humor not only disarms an insulter but wins respect from observers.

Remember that the other person is a human being with their own faults and strengths. There was probably a time when we all could’ve wound our necks in and not been an asshole. I know that’s certainly the case for me. Never lose sight that “stuff” happens to other people too and sometimes they are acting out in ways they would rather not. Everyone has problems. Focus on their behavior not the individual. Always welcome them if they seek amends. Hold no grudges.