Build Resilience: Pay it Forward

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope.” – Princess Leia

In the opening act of Star Wars we see the Corvette “Tantive IV” under attack by an Imperial Star Destroyer. On board the Tantive IV is Senator Leia on a diplomatic mission from the Imperial Senate to her home planet Alderaan. Moments before the Tantive IV is seized by Imperial Storm Troopers Leia hides a desperate call for help inside the Droid R2D2. The message, along with information crucial to the survival of the rebellion, would find itself to Luke Skywalker on Tatooine and to Obi-wan Kenobi. It was a call for aid that would trigger a series of events that would change countless lives and ultimately the destiny of an entire Galaxy. One call for help would ultimately prove an ancient prophecy true and bring balance to the Force.

 

Comrades

A common perception is that we must tough life out by ourselves. This is a common view among men. The “suck it up Princess” mentality is something I see every day in my line of work. In the Army we were expected to rely on each other as a team to get the job done. There was no shame in asking for help from the man beside you when you could not help yourself. We had each other’s back.

There were caveats. If a guy in the Platoon was having personal issues or going through an emotional crisis it was different. Showing weaker emotions was not accepted and everyone was expected to sort themselves out. If a guy had had a bust up with a girlfriend for example we took him out and got him drunk. That was the protocol for a broken heart or other emotional issues. Booze was the ultimate remedy. If a person could not carry their emotional baggage on the job, they were a liability.

Emotions not expressed as aggression, pride, competitiveness and other Alpha Male qualities were not welcome in our midst. It was the overpowering and addictive pull of masculine toxicity which defined us.

Don’t be ashamed to need help. Like a soldier storming a wall, you have a mission to accomplish. And if you’ve been wounded and you need a comrade to pull you up? So what?” – Marcus Aurelius

 

The Wounded

The fact that so many wounded warriors are now struggling with PTSD and depression is no surprise. Around 22 veterans in the United States commit suicide every day. Even invincible heroes have scars that lie hidden and run deep. “Suck it up Princess” no longer cuts it and it probably never did.

Suicide is one of those topics we don’t like to talk about. Even today it is still a taboo subject among many. Most of us know of someone who has lost a battle with depression and taken their own life. It goes without saying that we are only human. People are vulnerable and fragile even beneath the physical and mental armor.

Suicide was one of those “options” that tugged at my sleeve. The “Black Dog” would visit and suicidal thoughts would pass like a dark cloud. The truth was I enjoyed wallowing in self-pity and imagining how I could hurt others. I had the insane notion that I would gloat in self-satisfaction after expunging myself from existence. The reality was that I was far too much of a morally bankrupted coward to take the idea past depraved mental masturbation.

Accepting things as they are. Surrendering to a Higher Power. Recognizing the harms done to self and others. Taking steps daily to improve one’s self. Helping others. Who has time for self-pity with all of that? With recovery, thoughts of suicide dissipated along with the depression and anxiety.

Sometimes, accepting help is harder than offering it.” – The Clone Wars “Legacy of Terror”

 

Ask and Give

Recently on “Temple of the Jedi Order” I saw a thread about suicide. A number of people related how people known to them had committed suicide. They had “felt” something was wrong and now regretted not saying anything or doing anything. In many cases they had simply failed to recognize the signs and warnings. Most people aren’t trained to identify warning signs. Many times they may be subtle or absent.

Many people also don’t like to ask for help. They want to work it out alone. Speaking to others is a last resort. There could be a large number of reasons for this social, cultural or personal. Once help is sought it can turn everything around. Being alcoholic I shunned any offer of assistance and resented it. If I needed help then I had a problem. If there was a problem, change was needed. The problem was admitting to a problem in the first place. So we stay in a hole until life becomes so uncomfortable we are forced to seek help. Finding it we start to see the doors in our mind open and we begin to help ourselves.

Compassion and empathy are Jedi virtues. Jedi are expected to be willing to render aid and provide support where they can  and where it is needed. We listen with an open heart and without judgement. We can give our undivided attention without imposing conditions. It may not seem much but it might be all that’s needed to make all the difference.

Being Jedi is not forcing help on others. We help those willing to listen. In the 12 Steps we only “carry the message”. We listen and offer what assistance we can. Whether or not it is accepted or if our aid helps is out of our control. Be mindful that an offer of help does not mean “I will carry your burdens for you”.

Never forget that It is not unusual for us to neglect our own needs in meeting the needs of others. Be prepared to ask for help as well. By speaking to someone, a family member, a friend, a counselor or a sponsor it could make all the difference.

Remember. In Star Wars it was a lonely plea for help from a stranger that pushed Luke Skywalker in to action and ultimately into a journey of self-discovery, redemption and triumph.

I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that God didn’t trust me so much.” – Mother Teresa

 

Pay if Forward

The book “Pay it Forward” by Catherine Ryan Hyde and the movie adaptation inspired many people when they came out in 1999. The story tells of a twelve year old boy who’s simple and brave actions in helping a stranger starts a movement that changes the world. It starts with an idea and then a simple gesture of kindness to a fellow human being. By “paying it forward” the flow of energy expands outwards, snow balling in to something that captures the world’s imagination.

“Pay if Forward” is a work of fiction as much as “Star Wars: A New Hope” is. The message is that every person has the power to help another. We are all on this rock together and have more in common than we know. Help, selfless altruism is a universal virtue. The power of help is universal.

Listening to others share their troubled and sharing our own is the basis of group therapy as used in the fellowship of AA.  Likewise being Jedi is being receptive to others and providing support where we are able. We know what goes around comes around. “Paying it Forward” is more than a catch term, it is the ballast that keeps society afloat. It also keeps many Alcoholics from sinking back into abuse.

Helping others without expecting anything in return keeps the energy flowing. Being of service, small acts of kindness replaces anger and fear with empathy and a sense of purpose. Those acts then take a life of their own. When help is offered to those that need it we are making a positive change, if only for a short time. By helping others we help ourselves. We pay it forward but we get to keep it too.

Because it proves that you don’t need much to change the entire world for the better. You can start with the most ordinary ingredients. You can start with the world you’ve got.”  – Catherine Ryan Hyde

 

Self Help Exercise: Storming the Wall

We are conscious of our own thoughts and emotions. Some of us have trouble responding to extremes of emotions or unruly and chaotic thoughts. Emotions are meant to tell us how our internal world is coping with life. The mind is meant to help us to make choices congruent with our values. The trick is not acting on impulse or allowing emotions to rule our judgement and decisions.

I sometimes take a moment to shine a light on my thoughts and feelings. It’s a method I learned from Eckhart Tolle’s “Power of Now”. Especially when troubled I will pause and ask myself “what am I thinking?” and “what am I feeling? I become an impartial observer to my own thoughts and feelings. A light is thrown on my inner world and any negative thoughts are reasoned with and let go. Negative emotions exposed by the light are transmuted and dispersed through a simple act of mindfulness. There is no struggle. I have helped myself over the wall. I am returned to the power of the moment.

We may be resilient but like the soldier storming the wall we could use the occasional hand to help us up.

 

 

Jedi believe in life after death

Jedi believe that the soul survives death, Jedi do not obsessively mourn those who pass. There will always be some mourning, and missing of that person, which is only natural. But Jedi avoid the extremes of mourning that can be so debilitating, negative, and destructive. Jedi trust the Force to take care of our departed loved ones and ‘let go’.

(33 Jedi Traits)

We all die, that’s a fact. It is an inescapable part of our biology. The cost of consciousness is the acute awareness of our inherent mortality. We begin dying as soon as we are born. Some of us will live full lives reaching old age and a weary acceptance of the closing circle. Others will pass on much earlier and seemingly before their time was due. We do not like to remind ourselves but every soul who we know, younger and older and those not yet born but destined to be will all die.

Life and death are one thread, the same line viewed from different sides.” – Lao Tzu

 

The Final Act

Last week I pondered deeply on the meaning of life and the finality of death. I wondered at the prospect of a life eternal and whether souls do indeed depart the confines of the body and ego and return to a Divine Source. Experience has taught me to keep an open mind. There have been times when I am sure I have felt the presence of departed loved ones. I have sensed that love does not die but transcends to that place beyond the veil.

One of the guys at work took his own life at his home. It came as a shock to all as he was a young man with a full life ahead of him. There were no outward signs of depression and he had been looking forward to an overseas holiday. His career was tracking well and he had recently built a home. Engaged to be married he left behind a child hood sweet heart. No one could understand it, certainly I could not. Then, can we ever truly know a person? What resides with in the deepest recesses of a person’s heart can be far removed from what we see.

 

All Journey’s End

Like most people, I have grieved the Departed who were family and friends. Most of the time we would rather not think about death at all but the reality is that as we grow older we seem to attend more funerals than weddings. Life is a cycle of renewal and Death is a part of that. To seek immortality and cheat death is to go against the nature of things.

Death is one prophecy that never fails” – Edmund Wilson

Through life I have also been close to death a number of times both physical and spiritual. I was never afraid of dying from some misadventure. My fear was to die the slow death of alcoholism and arrive at that place knowing that life had been forfeit long ago. To live like that was to die every day.

 

A Crowded Life

I have worked with animals, some are rare and endangered. One species I’m very familiar with has a curious habit. The males live a single year. They are born and quickly leave the den to establish their own territory. From that point they live to eat as much as possible in order to build the size and strength to compete successfully for females.

When the females enter in to heat the males will frantically mate until they are physically incapable of doing so any more. They will copulate with as many females as they can in order to increase the chances of passing on their genetic baton. Once they have expended their energy reserves they drop dead. They literally shag themselves to death.

For a period there are few if any males in the population. The Females are able to take advantage of limited resources without competing with males for food and shelter allowing them to gestate and provide for the newborns. The young when they emerge have a higher chance of survival with the absence of grown males and disperse seeking vacant territory. The cycle continues. Death is a key element in the survival and evolution of the species.

I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.” – DH Lawrence

Humans are also subject to natural laws. If people were able to live forever or past several generations it would serve no biological purpose and stretch resources thin. Old men voluntarily give up their place in a life raft for a reason. They have lived and served their purpose. Each life is but a flash in the expanse of eternity. Our only purpose is to live our lives in the time we have. We choose how.

 

Luminous Beings

In the Star Wars saga death is a constant. We are reminded that those that die are returned to the Force from which they emerged. Energy can neither be created nor destroyed; rather, it transforms from one form to another. Life Force transcends to the spirit. Certain Jedi were able to retain their consciousness of self after death would appear as spiritual beings able to communicate with the living.

Luminous beings we are, not this crude matter” – Yoda

I believe that death is not the end but a single stage in a broader existence. If we are divine beings having a human experience then it would make sense that our earthly confine of body, time and space mean nothing in the after life. To unite with the Force would be to become one with all that is. The nature of that source is the grandest mystery, but is it?

Deep down we know that when we say Goodbye to a loved one in their final moments we are saying “See you soon”. I have been present at the birth of a child and the moment of death of a person whose heart I felt stop. There was an air of reverence in the room on both occasions as if all who were present knew that they were experiencing a special and holy moment.

Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not.” – Yoda

 

Love never Dies

We all miss those who depart before us and we grieve them. Grief is a personal expression of loss and love. Some grieve more than others. In some cultures they celebrate the passing of loved ones. Some societies expect a set period of mourning after which life goes on and grieving stops. There is no right or wrong but to grieve for years over the loss of a loved one does not bring the person back. It only leads to suffering.

We can rest assured that our loved ones suffer no more. I believe that they would not want us to suffer in our grief. Letting go of our attachments means accepting that death is a natural part of life and is not to be feared. We all want to live long and happy lives and wish the same on others, this is also natural.

I believe that our loved ones do watch over us and want us to be happy and not be bound by grief. We can keep their memories alive and celebrate their lives and know that some day we shall meet again on the other side. To Let Go is to express undying love.

Life is a gift, but by nature it is impermanent. One should live each day knowing that it might be their last. A sword dangles over each of us. We must be prepared for our own final destiny but we must also accept that those whom we love also share that same destination. In that way each of us are all the same and we are all are united in the end.

Let each thing you would do, say or intend be like that of a dying person” – Marcus Aurelius