Problems

12 Step Jedi Acceptance, Control, Emotional Sobriety, Perception, Purpose

The Best Botanist on the Planet

“The Martian” with Matt Damon is about an astronaut Mark Whatney who is left marooned on Mars after his team leave him behind presuming him to be dead. I watched intently looking for something that I could take from the film beyond 2 hours of entertainment. The movie is after all about a Scientist, more specifically a Botanist, who survives some 549 sols (565 days) on Mars. How does he do that? He solves one problem after the other and later shares his Philosophy:

“At some point, everything’s gonna go south on you… everything’s going to go south and you’re going to say, this is it. This is how I end. Now you can either accept that, or you can get to work. That’s all it is. You just begin. You do the math. You solve one problem… and you solve the next one… and then the next. And If you solve enough problems, you get to come home.”

That was the take home message right there. If you solve enough problems you get to come home.

One of the things that will unhinge an alcoholic is problems. Dramas seem to pop up one after the other. As soon as one is resolved, another jumps up in its place to test our patience and ultimately our sobriety. This week for example I’ve dealt with a string of nuisances and annoyance one after the other. I’ve watched myself get worked up with amusement and a little concern. In my drunken years I would’ve tossed the lot aside and found a drink instead.

The Over-Watcher

Wait a minute? How can I be watching myself? Everyone has a silent over watcher. Call it the conscience, he was the guy that was watching on with sadness when I used to get messy drunk and roll from one disaster to the next as I tore through peoples lives like some drunken whirlwind. He’s still there, but I listen to him more and more and I’m beginning to think he sounds and acts a lot like Matt Damon when he’s not sounding like Obi-Wan Kenobi.

The guy is my guardian Angel and he’s a problem solver. I’m beginning to morph in to that guy. That is, I’m growing up at last.

You see like Mark Whatney, I solve problems now rather than let them get to me. I have to in order to live. The choice is clear. Either let things get to you and roll over you or “get to work”. Do what you can with your mind, your two hands and whatever tools you have at your disposal. Do the math, hit the floor and give it a shot.

Problem or Opportunity?

The beauty of life as a sober person is you know that things can always be a hell of a lot worse. Things can also “go south” fast and in a big way. In one scene on “The Martian” you would think that Mark Whatney would give up. He doesn’t, he loses it big time for a moment and pounds the roof of the Mars Rover and screams in frustration a lot and then…you guessed it…he gets to work. Mark goes to Plan B and gets on with it.

The Jedi also thrived on unpredictability. They would adapt to the circumstances and solve the problems; there was always a Plan B. If your mind is on solving the problem you don’t have time for self misery, you don’t have time to think about how bad things are. You are too busy to despair. This is one of the reasons in the Army we were forever kept busy, a Soldier with something to do will have his head where it needs to be, not in the pity pot.

Perception also has a lot to do with how we handle problems. Can you remember what tipped you over last week? Probably not. The truth is, most situations are only a problem if we let it be one. Many can in fact be opportunities, even if its just to practice principles.

“Every problem is an opportunity in disguise.” – Benjamen Franklin

Get to Work

My sobriety is a daily reprieve only. It is contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. My sobriety is not a “Get out of Jail Free” card from Life’s problems. We are not exempt. I no longer have the excuse that stuff is “not my problem”. When things “go south” I can’t say “not my job” anymore. I must simply get to work and use it as an opportunity to beat the odds, solve the problems and get home. I already have practice, like Mark Whatney I’m a survivor.

Personal Dagobah

12 Step Jedi Dark Side, Ego, Forgiveness, Perception

“Only what you take with you” – Yoda

Life is hard and sometimes seems insurmountable. From time to time we question what we are doing and ask why? We need to validate our lives and justify to our deeper selves our choices and the sacrifices we make. This is part of the human condition and completely normal. Once we commit our minds and our hearts to something usually the body will follow. Often it’s taking the first step and then staying on the Path that presents the greater challenge.

We all confront self-doubt, self criticism and at times consider quitting. Jesus of Nazareth, Gautama Buddha, Saint Francis of Assisi and Bill W, the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous all had periods of the gravest doubt. In the end all of them achieved the peak of the human condition some call enlightenment. The paradox is that in order to arrive at our destination, in order to become who we truly are, we must pass through the darkest forests, our personal Dagobah on our personal journey.

Anakin Skywalker, Obi wan-Kenobi and Luke Skywalker also had moments of self doubt and personal anguish that they worked through and overcame. While Anakin had periods where he struggled with his inner Demons and emerged for a time, eventually he succumbed and fell to the “Dark Side”. Eventually through the love of his son, Darth Vader was vanquished and Anakin reclaimed his true self re-united with his son and died at peace.

Obi-wan Kenobi as a young Jedi was in love with Satine Kryze of Mandalore but forsake their relationship to pursue his life as a Jedi. At times he regreted the decision and the life he could have had as a Father and Husband. During the Clone Wars Obiwan experiences the horrid effects of war over and over again and witnesses many friends and allies killed and in the end the fall of his friend and apprentice Anakin to the Dark Side. Despite it all, Obi-wan Kenobi transcends his pain.

Following further adventures and solitude Kenobi at last meets his destiny and achieves an enlightenment which unites him with the Force. Luke Skywalker is also human and despite his loyalty and passion questions his purpose. Riddled with regret and disillusionment in his later years Luke questions the purpose of the Jedi Order and the cost it has imposed on his life.

Sometimes the dark places that reside within us are far worse than reality, but through it we must pass to get to the other side.

 

“That place… is strong with the dark side of the Force. A domain of evil it is. In you must go.”
“What’s in there?”
“Only what you take with you….Your weapons … you will not need them.”

Yoda and Luke Skywalker (The Empire Strikes Back)

Hell is an Illusion

In my early recovery I would pray for patience, courage, understanding and tolerance and seek to apply these virtues. As things out of my control tipped me over I would succumb to a small personal hell of self-pity, anxiety and depression. I could feel the insanity creeping back in and was terrified that I would start drinking again. I railed against the world and God and could not understand why these things were happening to me. Was I not after all keeping up my end of the bargain? I was staying sober and trying my best to be a better person! Why could life not give me a break? I started to seriously doubt myself and wonder “what’s the point of it all”.

Then it hit me, nothing had happened to me, I was doing it to myself by perceiving life to be a struggle. I was fighting something that did not exist! Like Luke Skywalker on Dagobah I was confronting my own inner Demons and losing. I had asked for courage, patience, tolerance and objectivity and when I was given opportunities in life to practice these I failed!

I had to change my perception and stop fighting everything and everyone. I had to pick myself up and brush myself off and start having faith in myself and in the power of the Force. I had to accept that this journey was going to be hard and for good reason; in order to make gains and grow as individuals we must be prepared to overcome ourselves first.  This means stop fighting ourselves and others, accept what is and let go of things we cannot control “one day at a time”.

“Greater in battle than the man who would conquer a thousand-thousand men, is he who would conquer just one, himself” – Buddha

Life is full of pitfalls and challenges that make us question our very purpose in life. We wonder if life has any meaning or is simply a futile exercise in self validation on a road that ultimately leads to our eventual demise. Sometimes we must take a different view and change our perception. We must remember that life does nothing to us; it is our perception and our response to life that matters in the end to whether we live a fulfilling life or a mediocre one. We can live in regret or learn from the experience, we can struggle and fight or we can accept and let go. No matter what you are feeling right now, it will pass and in time the purpose of your personal Dagobah will begin to make sense and you will emerge stronger for it.

“This too shall pass” – Sufi saying.

Outward Display

12 Step Jedi Acceptance, Ego, Perception, Self Esteem

 

Imagine a Jedi

“For philosophy doesn’t consist in outward display, but in taking heed to what is needed and being mindful of it” – Musonius Rufus, Lectures 16.75.15-16.

If we existed in the Star Wars Universe we would expect Jedi to be easily identifiable. They may be wearing the dress typical for a Jedi and bear the Jedi Order emblem. A light sabre would likely confirm a Jedi. However a robe, emblem and light saber does not necessarily mean we have a Jedi in our midst. We would need further proof, an example.

How would we imagine a Jedi to be in the absence of their uniform and other usual displays? Most would expect that a Jedi should be identifiable by his or her bearing, behavior and attitudes as well as their outer appearance. I imagine a Jedi would appear to be calm, approachable and confident and demonstrate virtues that are consistent with someone who is a Jedi. That is they would be humble without being self-effacing, polite and courteous, dignified and articulate and patient. They would display objectivity and conviction in their decisions, integrity in their conduct, courage, empathy, self-control, purpose and wit. Jedi would show empathy to others and be generous and helpful where their help was welcome.

Actions not Appearance

So if I call myself a Jedi how should I act? How should I speak to people and conduct my affairs? How should I train myself to think? What virtues should I cultivate within my character and which practices should I undertake to reinforce those virtues? Should I stick to my principles or decide when and where to apply them? How do you imagine a Jedi to be if you met one here in the Real World? Would you be able to identify that person as a Jedi if you met in the street? Would there be a secret signal, a handshake or a “drop word”?

I don’t feel that I need to advertise that I am Jedi. I prefer to act out how I believe a real world Jedi should be and demonstrate my principles consistently to support that. Virtues that I think are important are practiced as if they were a part of my nature and eventually they will be. I don’t need to have a rank of Jedi Knight or Master. Titles, robes and entitlement do not make a Jedi, actions, thoughts and words do.

I am an Alcoholic

As a Drunk I pretended to be someone I was not. I wanted people to think that I was a Big Shot and somehow special. Someone that demanded respect and admiration. Deep down I knew I did not amount to much, that I was mostly full of it and my personality was bravado and a façade. In reality I was miserable and no longer knew who I even was, I only knew that drinking made me feel somehow worthwhile but it was an illusion, a lie.

Getting sober made me realize that I could only ever be myself and strive to be a better version of myself. I threw myself in to the 12 Steps and worked at correcting my faults and being a better person. I realized only one label fitted me and I was comfortable every time I said, “my name is….and I’m an alcoholic”. I felt like I was being the most genuine version of myself that I had been in memory.

I am an alcoholic and I always will be. Do I appear to be an alcoholic? That is, do I have an alcoholic character? I hope I don’t but I will let others be the judge of my character. My part is simply keep my side of the street clear and work the steps and never pick up the first drink. That’s how I can demonstrate my recovery and growth one day at a time.

I am Jedi

I am also Jedi. Not a Jedi Knight or Master or even a Padawan but a person who is Jedi through the set of actions, attitudes and behaviors that are on display every day. Not through outward display and claims to title. I judge myself to be Jedi or not through an honest and rigorous assessment of my conduct. I can call myself a Jedi but my heart will betray the truth if I am being dishonest.

What do you want to be today? How will you demonstrate that?

Perception and the Drama of Life

12 Step Jedi Gratitude, Perception

“Men are disturbed, not by things, but by the principles and notions which they form concerning things” – Epictetus (Enchiridion).

Hardship is how you perceive it.

It is never the event or thing that upsets us but rather our perception of it. The Stoics taught this very fundamental of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy more than 2000 years ago. They stumbled on a universal truth which has been highlighted by Philosophers for centuries and Psychologists for decades, that we make our own reality with our own minds.

The drama of life is often just that, a drama and as Mark Twain said “’I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” Viktor Frankl in “Man’s search for meaning” wrote that it was only his resolve to put his reality in to perspective that got him through three years in a Nazi Concentration Camp. Frankl refused to be mentally beaten by the Nazis. Realizing he had a choice, Frankl kept the hope alive that he would survive and see his family again and that conviction kept him alive despite the harrowing odds.

The US Airforce Pilot James Stockdale shot down over North Vietnam and imprisoned for seven years in the Hanoi Hilton where he was subjected to mental and physical torture survived his ordeal in the same way. By applying the mindset of the Stoics he was able to put his situation in to perspective and accept his condition. Stockdale resolved never to give up.

We only get upset by events or circumstance because of our perception of it rather than the reality of it. Our society today expects drama, outrage and accordingly people do not take responsibility for their actions. How you respond to any given moment in your life is entirely up to you.

Order 66

The Jedi were completely eliminated as an Order in “Episode 3: The Revenge of the Sith”. Emperor Palpatine, having ascended to executive power effectively took control of the Galactic Senate and the Clone Army and ordered an immediate putsch of the Jedi under Order 66. Yoda and Obi-wan Kenobi both survived the brutal round up and execution of almost all the Jedi and escaped in to exile and hiding.

Both Jedi Masters accepted their fates but continued to struggle and work towards a re-balance of the Force knowing that in time the prophecy would be fulfilled. After having been at the very top of the Republics Elite and commanders of the most powerful force in the Galaxy, both Jedi Masters were reduced to fugitives and largely forgotten by all but the Sith. They became a rumor, a myth to all other life forms in the Galaxy.

Despite such a calamity Obi-wan Kenobi and Yoda continued to have an impact on events long after Order 66. They never gave up.

Life on the Merry Go Round

My life was run by complications and drama for decades. I blamed everyone but myself for my predicaments real and imagined. My stupid mistakes alienated friends, family and colleagues and over the years I found people leaving my life. Relationships crumbled or became toxic. I could not hold down a job for long without screwing things up because of my drinking, selfishness, obstinacy and lying. Seeking a “Geographical Solution”, I moved around a lot. From state to state, overseas, anywhere as far as I could to get away from myself.

I would think that if I could move and set myself up somewhere and find like minded people all would go well but I failed to realize that everywhere I went, there I was and over time I would repeat the cycle of a positive start, a slow descent to disillusionment and finally disgrace and an exit. I refused to apologize for my actions or recognize that I was largely to blame for all the dramas in my life.

None of it was reality, it was simply my alcoholic personality finding fault where there was none and managing to take a situation that was in control and messing it up sometimes in a pathetic and sometimes in a hilariously comical fashion. I was on a Merry-Go ride I could not get off.

Setting things Right

As I began recovery I underwent a shift in perspective and started to closely analyze where I had gone wrong in all my of failed relationships, lost opportunities and mistakes. I come to realize where I had failed and where amends were needed. I listed all my errors and faults and the litany of alcohol fueled failures that spanned decades and entire continents. My sprees had had a global reach.

I got honest with myself and with others and where I could I made amends and started to view the world and my place in it in a different light. I realized that I am the author of my own story and I make choices that impact on myself and others and carry a great deal of personal responsibility for my actions. The world is not trying to beat me down and it owes me no favors especially not an apology.

Life is a struggle and that is what makes it so compelling and so beautiful at the same time. I realized that the attitude you take in to any situation largely decides the outcomes. Whether or not you will overcome difficulties or succumb to them is largely a matter of choice. Reality is simply a projection of our minds and the ego will sully our perception and force itself on to who we truly are. Once you realize that nothing can truly hurt or harm you unless you allow it to you start to claim your freedom and find your inner truth.

Gratitude is the Attitude

When things aren’t going well these days I remind myself to be grateful that I am in a position to be annoyed or frustrated. Things could always be a whole lot worse I remind myself. Everyone has bad days so I allow myself to as well. As hard as it can be sometimes, I try to consider the issue at hand mindfully and objectively.

I ask myself is what I am feeling valid, is the situation that upsets me real or an illusion? Do I have all the facts? Is my response proportionate and what is within my control to make it better? I put the event in to perspective and realize that on the balance things aren’t as bad as they might appear.

I take hope in my own recovery and see how far I have come and take inspiration from the stories of recovery from alcohol, abuse, mental and physical illness I read or hear. Not to mention the whole spectrum of tragedies and challenges that confront people every day. Things are not so bad on my side of the street.

I also realize that the common element in all of the stories of Hope and Survival is the innate human ability to find a deeper inner strength to not only overcome but to rise above loss and tragedy and emerge stronger and better.

Never ever give up.

“”Seek not to change the world, but choose to change your mind about the world” – ACIM (T-21.In.1:7).

Lower your expectations

12 Step Jedi Perception

“I seek a great warrior” – Luke Skywalker

Expectations can often be our worst enemy. When Luke Skywalker crash lands on to Dagobah he seeks out a great warrior, a Jedi Master who will teach him how to be a Jedi. When he encounters Yoda he becomes impatient, brash and rude and eventually it dawns on him that this little annoying old Goblin like creature is indeed the Jedi Master he seeks.

Luke had an expectation, an idea of what a Jedi Master should look like and that prejudice blinded him from reality. Often reality does not meet our expectations, we hold a certain perception of how others should act or appear, how things should be and are disappointed when they don’t make the grade we expect. Very often it is not what is that is the problem but simply our perception of it, in turn our expectations are incorrect.

When I joined the Army I had a certain illusion of what it would be like and imagined that my expectations would be met. I imagined I would become a member of an elite and a “man among men”. The reality sort of fell short of the mark mainly because of my own poor choices but because the reality of service is different to what I thought it would be. I became disillusioned. One of the most common reasons many choose not to re-enlist was because service and deployment was not what they had expected. Many feel conned. What were they expecting?

As an alcoholic I always expected that one day I could get a handle on my drinking and control it. I had began drinking because I expected it would make me more fun, likable, sociable, one of the guys and attractive to the opposite sex. The reality again was much different and I wore the consequences of my drunken sprees like medals of shame.

When I got sober I also thought that all my problems in life would be miraculously resolved and then I realized that not drinking was only part of the solution. I also had to identify my faults and personal flaws, confront the past and make amends. I had to stop feeling like the world owed me and should treat me better because I was sober and accept that life was going to treat me like any other normal person. My expectations of sobriety were skewed and prejudiced by my own false perceptions of self and others. After some insight and rude reminders of my many character faults, I learned to adjust my expectations and start being realistic.

Ask yourself, what are your expectations at this moment? Consider everything, your job, relationships, health, finances and plans in general. Are they realistic? What influence do you have on others, potential external influence and ultimately outcomes? Identify what is in and outside of your control. Does it really matter if your expectations are not met?

The rule is to be objective and to make plans but never project outcomes. Very often our expectations get ahead of us and we end up disappointed in the outcomes therefore perspectives need to be adjusted if we are to have realistic expectations.

We also need to be agile and flexible enough to absorb the unexpected and often difficult moments in our lives with poise and equanimity. We must also be realistic with ourselves as well as others and accept that mistakes will be made despite the best laid plans. The challenge is to learn from those mistakes and improve. Use stumbling blocks as steps. Be gentle with yourself and with others.