Fear

12 Step Jedi Dark Side, Perception, Principles, Serenity

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering“. – Yoda

Fear is a pervasive element in the Star Wars saga. The symbolism of the Death Star is a classic example of fear and terror manifested. Imagine such a weapon; the immense size of the Death Star foreboding alone would strike abject terror as it filled the sky with its ominous presence. The Death Star was also able to destroy entire planets with the simple flick of a switch. It was the Dark Lords ultimate weapon against his enemies and its true power was Fear.

As a child I grew up under the shadow of the Cold War. The threat of nuclear war a was a pervasive fear  that I remember as a young child. It seemed that the Soviets and the West were committed to destroying each other with scant regard for life. It may have been saber rattling and perhaps we came close to midnight a couple of times. I remember laying at wake at night barely 11 years of age imagining that missiles were arching through the night sky toward their intended targets. The thought was terrifying and with world events and the current trajectory we find ourselves in I wonder what my children imagine when they lay in bed at night.

The Black Dog

Being an alcoholic is to live in a perpetual state of extremes.  We are either in a state of buoyant optimism and hope or we are filled with anxiety and ridden with fear. Sometimes both in the same day. Our hearts will leap with a sense of renewed purpose and a sense that all is well and then slowly the cold wind and grey skies of fear and morbid reflection creep in. It’s no wonder that we drink to gain an even keel and try to feel half decent.

Neither of those extremes, false hope or undefined terror, were valid or accurate perceptions of reality when I was an alcoholic. They were simply the symptoms of a diseased mind and a depressed mental state that bordered on bipolarism. The other way to look at it was it was simply rampant imagination. I was simply a victim of the alcoholics ability to create a world in his or her own mind. A perception that is completely untrue if viewed objectively. I would swing between fear, sadness and elation and self medicate with booze to celebrate the euphoria or chase the “Black Dog” away. I would stall in depression for days. Thoughts of hopelessness and suicide would drift in and out like passing dark clouds.

Reclaim your Sunshine

With admission and acceptance of my disease and surrender I started to reclaim my sanity. I had been insane all of this time and now the fog was lifting. Reality had been distorted. Sobriety taught me that the fear of uncertainty is a normal human emotion when it is rational. Fear and dark imaginings can also be illusions. We needn’t let fear rule us and steal the sunshine from the day. When can face fear and watch it melt away like a phantom and realize it was all in our head.

“We suffer more in imagination than in reality.” – Seneca

Today things are better. I still get sad, angry or down on occasion but these emotions I feel are appropriate and healthy. I don’t need to feel sad for feeling sad. I can also decide what is real and what is imagined. My disease still tries to play “Jedi Mind Tricks” on me but I’m one step ahead. The monsters have receded in to the background. I view the threat of a nuclear war or the sudden appearance of a Death Star in the morning sky in an objective and rational fashion. One I hope is still highly unlikely and the other is almost (but not entirely) impossible. I won’t be losing any sleep over worrying about either.

Outward Display

12 Step Jedi Acceptance, Ego, Perception, Self Esteem

 

Imagine a Jedi

“For philosophy doesn’t consist in outward display, but in taking heed to what is needed and being mindful of it” – Musonius Rufus, Lectures 16.75.15-16.

If we existed in the Star Wars Universe we would expect Jedi to be easily identifiable. They may be wearing the dress typical for a Jedi and bear the Jedi Order emblem. A light sabre would likely confirm a Jedi. However a robe, emblem and light saber does not necessarily mean we have a Jedi in our midst. We would need further proof, an example.

How would we imagine a Jedi to be in the absence of their uniform and other usual displays? Most would expect that a Jedi should be identifiable by his or her bearing, behavior and attitudes as well as their outer appearance. I imagine a Jedi would appear to be calm, approachable and confident and demonstrate virtues that are consistent with someone who is a Jedi. That is they would be humble without being self-effacing, polite and courteous, dignified and articulate and patient. They would display objectivity and conviction in their decisions, integrity in their conduct, courage, empathy, self-control, purpose and wit. Jedi would show empathy to others and be generous and helpful where their help was welcome.

Actions not Appearance

So if I call myself a Jedi how should I act? How should I speak to people and conduct my affairs? How should I train myself to think? What virtues should I cultivate within my character and which practices should I undertake to reinforce those virtues? Should I stick to my principles or decide when and where to apply them? How do you imagine a Jedi to be if you met one here in the Real World? Would you be able to identify that person as a Jedi if you met in the street? Would there be a secret signal, a handshake or a “drop word”?

I don’t feel that I need to advertise that I am Jedi. I prefer to act out how I believe a real world Jedi should be and demonstrate my principles consistently to support that. Virtues that I think are important are practiced as if they were a part of my nature and eventually they will be. I don’t need to have a rank of Jedi Knight or Master. Titles, robes and entitlement do not make a Jedi, actions, thoughts and words do.

I am an Alcoholic

As a Drunk I pretended to be someone I was not. I wanted people to think that I was a Big Shot and somehow special. Someone that demanded respect and admiration. Deep down I knew I did not amount to much, that I was mostly full of it and my personality was bravado and a façade. In reality I was miserable and no longer knew who I even was, I only knew that drinking made me feel somehow worthwhile but it was an illusion, a lie.

Getting sober made me realize that I could only ever be myself and strive to be a better version of myself. I threw myself in to the 12 Steps and worked at correcting my faults and being a better person. I realized only one label fitted me and I was comfortable every time I said, “my name is….and I’m an alcoholic”. I felt like I was being the most genuine version of myself that I had been in memory.

I am an alcoholic and I always will be. Do I appear to be an alcoholic? That is, do I have an alcoholic character? I hope I don’t but I will let others be the judge of my character. My part is simply keep my side of the street clear and work the steps and never pick up the first drink. That’s how I can demonstrate my recovery and growth one day at a time.

I am Jedi

I am also Jedi. Not a Jedi Knight or Master or even a Padawan but a person who is Jedi through the set of actions, attitudes and behaviors that are on display every day. Not through outward display and claims to title. I judge myself to be Jedi or not through an honest and rigorous assessment of my conduct. I can call myself a Jedi but my heart will betray the truth if I am being dishonest.

What do you want to be today? How will you demonstrate that?

Fight for your Life

12 Step Jedi Gratitude, Humility, Perception, Purpose

In the Face of Betrayal

When the newly self-crowned Emperor Palpatine gave Order 66 the directive was executed swiftly and brutally. Thousands of Jedi were immediately killed by their Clone subordinates and guards without question or hesitation.  The Temple was razed. The Jedi Order was destroyed and very few Jedi survived and those that did either went in to hiding or left the order for a life as a bounty hunter, smuggler or Rebel and continued to struggle. The Jedi went down fighting.

Many of the Jedi who survived fought their way out as their brethren died around them. None surrendered; all died fighting or overcame their adversaries and escaped. The Jedi endured the betrayal and suffered their fate with valor and courage and yet they refused to go quietly and went down fighting  without fear. They had faith in the Force and did not fear death.

Bravery in adversity is not only a Jedi trait. Although not a Jedi, Chirrut the blind warrior in “Rogue One” called upon the Force to gather his strength as he completed his mission and was killed as were all the other Rebels raiding the Scarif Citadel for the Death Star Plans and the future of the Rebellion. Their mission was a success.

Never say Die

It may not be the plans to the Death Star, but in life some things are worth fighting for no matter the odds. Sometimes it’s no longer important what happens to us or whether we succeed or not but how we navigate through the crisis and meet our end. Its the fight that counts.

All of us are engaged in a futile battle to stay alive. Eventually every single human alive including you and I must face death. That does not mean we should not fight while we can.

The manner that we can choose to respond to each moment is a personal choice. How we greet each day and the manner in which we engage in the struggle for life is entirely up to each individual. We must eventually succumb to our mortal end. The goal is still to live a good life before we reach that end.

Never Give Up

Several years ago I was a very sick individual. I had had a tumor discovered inside my cranial cavity on the acoustic nerve. The growth was non-malignant but due to its mass and location was life threatening and needed to be removed. At the time I was also drinking heavily. My response to the news of my condition was not as I expected, I was scared and upset and all the sudden I was determined to live and grab a second lease in life. I was going to fight this.

The Doctor was very impressed with my attitude but did ponder my “3-5 alcoholic drinks per week” response on my health questionnaire with a raised brow. The Doctor reassured me that patients who have a fire in their belly and a “never say die” attitude to the surgery usually come out better than those that don’t. I underwent the surgery, had the tumor removed, was out of hospital in a few days with severe facial palsy and loss of inner ear, but I was alive and would recover.  After another health scare involving leaking brain fluid I was back to work within a month.

I had won the fight. The surgery had certainly saved my life. I now had a chance to see my kids grow up and achieve my dreams.

Never Surrender

The surgeon was surprised at the speed of my recovery, but then he didn’t know that we Alcoholics are extremely mission orientated and often over-achievers. We are simply held back and held hostage by booze. Our main struggle is with ourselves, we are torn and sway between hope and despair and our response is to resist and fight with everyone and everything. I saw my fight with my tumor as a sign that I had to change and turn a new leaf. Despite all of my goals to grab this as an opportunity to look after my health and become a better person I was soon drinking and worse than ever. The Booze had me.

The same “never surrender, never say die” attitude did not extend to my addiction. Alcohol is where my reasoning powers failed and where the main kink in my armor laid, an Achilles heel. My “Good Fight” did not lay there.

In the end, admission of defeat and surrender was exactly what was needed. I had won against a life threatening brain tumor but lost in the battle against my other disease, alcoholism. Surrendering it to a power greater than my self was the only way out.

Through grace I was freed from my compulsion to drink. My reprieve over addiction gave me a sense of purpose and “quiet resolve”. I no longer needed to fight everything and everyone; I was done with fighting at least the way I had done all my life. All I had to do was take life one day at a time and resolve not to drink and trust in the Force. The fear of death left me and I was determined to live and Fight for Life. There is no going back to what I was before, the Force is with me and I am one with the Force.

“I’m one with the Force, the Force is with me” – Chirrut “Rogue One”.

Choose Life

Some things cannot be avoided, death cannot be dodged for eternity, neither can illness or heartbreak or pain, they are all part of the human condition. How you choose to perceive these things and what you intend to do about what resides within your control is largely up to you. You can choose to go quietly in to the night or you can choose to go down fighting. You can choose to surrender to the Dark Side as Anakin and Ben Solo did or you can Choose Life and fight for that.

Perception and the Drama of Life

12 Step Jedi Gratitude, Perception

“Men are disturbed, not by things, but by the principles and notions which they form concerning things” – Epictetus (Enchiridion).

Hardship is how you perceive it.

It is never the event or thing that upsets us but rather our perception of it. The Stoics taught this very fundamental of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy more than 2000 years ago. They stumbled on a universal truth which has been highlighted by Philosophers for centuries and Psychologists for decades, that we make our own reality with our own minds.

The drama of life is often just that, a drama and as Mark Twain said “’I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” Viktor Frankl in “Man’s search for meaning” wrote that it was only his resolve to put his reality in to perspective that got him through three years in a Nazi Concentration Camp. Frankl refused to be mentally beaten by the Nazis. Realizing he had a choice, Frankl kept the hope alive that he would survive and see his family again and that conviction kept him alive despite the harrowing odds.

The US Airforce Pilot James Stockdale shot down over North Vietnam and imprisoned for seven years in the Hanoi Hilton where he was subjected to mental and physical torture survived his ordeal in the same way. By applying the mindset of the Stoics he was able to put his situation in to perspective and accept his condition. Stockdale resolved never to give up.

We only get upset by events or circumstance because of our perception of it rather than the reality of it. Our society today expects drama, outrage and accordingly people do not take responsibility for their actions. How you respond to any given moment in your life is entirely up to you.

Order 66

The Jedi were completely eliminated as an Order in “Episode 3: The Revenge of the Sith”. Emperor Palpatine, having ascended to executive power effectively took control of the Galactic Senate and the Clone Army and ordered an immediate putsch of the Jedi under Order 66. Yoda and Obi-wan Kenobi both survived the brutal round up and execution of almost all the Jedi and escaped in to exile and hiding.

Both Jedi Masters accepted their fates but continued to struggle and work towards a re-balance of the Force knowing that in time the prophecy would be fulfilled. After having been at the very top of the Republics Elite and commanders of the most powerful force in the Galaxy, both Jedi Masters were reduced to fugitives and largely forgotten by all but the Sith. They became a rumor, a myth to all other life forms in the Galaxy.

Despite such a calamity Obi-wan Kenobi and Yoda continued to have an impact on events long after Order 66. They never gave up.

Life on the Merry Go Round

My life was run by complications and drama for decades. I blamed everyone but myself for my predicaments real and imagined. My stupid mistakes alienated friends, family and colleagues and over the years I found people leaving my life. Relationships crumbled or became toxic. I could not hold down a job for long without screwing things up because of my drinking, selfishness, obstinacy and lying. Seeking a “Geographical Solution”, I moved around a lot. From state to state, overseas, anywhere as far as I could to get away from myself.

I would think that if I could move and set myself up somewhere and find like minded people all would go well but I failed to realize that everywhere I went, there I was and over time I would repeat the cycle of a positive start, a slow descent to disillusionment and finally disgrace and an exit. I refused to apologize for my actions or recognize that I was largely to blame for all the dramas in my life.

None of it was reality, it was simply my alcoholic personality finding fault where there was none and managing to take a situation that was in control and messing it up sometimes in a pathetic and sometimes in a hilariously comical fashion. I was on a Merry-Go ride I could not get off.

Setting things Right

As I began recovery I underwent a shift in perspective and started to closely analyze where I had gone wrong in all my of failed relationships, lost opportunities and mistakes. I come to realize where I had failed and where amends were needed. I listed all my errors and faults and the litany of alcohol fueled failures that spanned decades and entire continents. My sprees had had a global reach.

I got honest with myself and with others and where I could I made amends and started to view the world and my place in it in a different light. I realized that I am the author of my own story and I make choices that impact on myself and others and carry a great deal of personal responsibility for my actions. The world is not trying to beat me down and it owes me no favors especially not an apology.

Life is a struggle and that is what makes it so compelling and so beautiful at the same time. I realized that the attitude you take in to any situation largely decides the outcomes. Whether or not you will overcome difficulties or succumb to them is largely a matter of choice. Reality is simply a projection of our minds and the ego will sully our perception and force itself on to who we truly are. Once you realize that nothing can truly hurt or harm you unless you allow it to you start to claim your freedom and find your inner truth.

Gratitude is the Attitude

When things aren’t going well these days I remind myself to be grateful that I am in a position to be annoyed or frustrated. Things could always be a whole lot worse I remind myself. Everyone has bad days so I allow myself to as well. As hard as it can be sometimes, I try to consider the issue at hand mindfully and objectively.

I ask myself is what I am feeling valid, is the situation that upsets me real or an illusion? Do I have all the facts? Is my response proportionate and what is within my control to make it better? I put the event in to perspective and realize that on the balance things aren’t as bad as they might appear.

I take hope in my own recovery and see how far I have come and take inspiration from the stories of recovery from alcohol, abuse, mental and physical illness I read or hear. Not to mention the whole spectrum of tragedies and challenges that confront people every day. Things are not so bad on my side of the street.

I also realize that the common element in all of the stories of Hope and Survival is the innate human ability to find a deeper inner strength to not only overcome but to rise above loss and tragedy and emerge stronger and better.

Never ever give up.

“”Seek not to change the world, but choose to change your mind about the world” – ACIM (T-21.In.1:7).

Luck

12 Step Jedi Acceptance, Control, Perception

“We make our own Luck” – Obi-wan Kenobi

“No such thing as luck” – Mace Windu

The fictional Jedi believed in the will of the Force not Luck. They believed in the existence of fate however the future need not be predetermined. With free will comes the opportunity to create one’s own reality and thereby change the future. The Jedi prophesy of the coming of one who would bring balance to the Force depicts Jedi fatalism but also the power and change that one person could bring to the galaxy through the Force.

Jedi however did not place much credence on luck. They believed that luck alone can not save the day and that careful planning and completion of one’s duties mindfully ensured that desired outcomes were more probable.

Hard Luck

Anakin Skywalker grew up in the chaotic and lawless environment of Tatooine. Luck would have been a big part of surviving day to day in an environment where if Tusken Raiders did not get you, the Desert would. Existence on Tatooine was akin to the Wild West frontier;  Criminal gangs, Bounty Hunters, Mercenaries, Smugglers and Slave Traders and corrupt Merchants ruled while moisture farmers egged out a living from the terrain and tried to keep out of trouble and stay alive. Anakin depended on luck to survive. Much later as a Jedi Knight his penchant for dicing with chance continued.

“Luck of the Irish”

I used to joke that I had the “Luck of the Irish” due to the fact that I had survived many years of drunken misadventures. Fortune had smiled on me; I had not been killed or badly busted up in a fight, blown up or shot, hit by a car, mauled by a Bull in Pamplona or suffered a loss of limb in an industrial accident (although all of these things I had narrowly avoided). I still had most of my teeth, a straight nose, few physical scars and all my faculties and pieces in place. On most nights I could still drink most under the table and my liver had held up to the task. I was thumbing my nose to fate and claiming “luck” was on my side.

An honest gambler will tell you that eventually luck runs out. I had seen my gambling addicted father lose his pay month after month and still be believed that his “day would come”. It never did and he died a broke and broken man many years later.

My day however did come but not the way I expected.  In the span of a few years there were  stints in the Brig, a court martial and dishonorable discharge, run ins with the law, failed relationships, lost jobs, ailing health and a hospital admission in addition to everyday “bad luck”. These were just preludes to the eventual spiral to rock bottom.

I cursed whatever luck I had and damned God for dealing me a poor hand. I believed my “Irish Luck” had abandoned me or become “Mr Murphy”. I never once paused to think that perhaps I had made my own bad luck.

Reality Bites

Living in sober reality is accepting that some things go well and others don’t. We cannot control every single aspect of our lives or expect that things will turn out the way we want. What I have learned is it is not so much what happens to me but how I deal with it that matters.

I can view a bad turn of events as a loss or I can view it as an opportunity. If I did everything I could and things still didn’t turn out the way I planned I accepted that, picked up the pieces, salvaged what I could and went back to the drawing board or moved on.

Reverse Clause

The Stoics believed in the concept of “reverse clause” to deal with obstacles. The “reverse clause” is a back up option; it is the next best thing. In some cases it is the best thing. The treatment is entirely mental as at the end of the day all we have is our minds and the free will to choose how to respond to obstacles and misfortune. As an example if I’m on my way to the airport to catch a plane home and a traffic jam impedes my progress I can only do my best to find an alternate route. If I miss the plane, I don’t bemoan it as “bad luck” and get angry. I turn around and make the best of the situation and try to get home the next day. That’s life.

Despite everything that ever happened to me I still believe that I am “Lucky”. I still have my health and fitness, my career is going well and my family life although turbulent at times is doing well. Looking back at the times when I wallowed deep in self pity expecting life to do me favors, I can say that at the end of the day I simply made my own “Luck”. By working the steps and being true to the principles of honesty, humility, temperance and faith things started to work out.

Things do work out

Every moment in my life led me to this point. Had I never been a drunk and hit rock bottom I would never have discovered the steps and I would never have found Jedi Philosophy. I would not be the person I am today. More importantly, I would not be writing this and I would not be grateful for every sober day.

No matter what happens, fundamentally all is well. I play my part and leave it to the Force to determine the outcomes. Can you do the same or will you rely on Luck?

Friend and Foe

12 Step Jedi Attachment, Perception

“Things are changing and sometimes the line between friend and foe is blurred” – Obi-wan Kenobi

This was a pivotal moment in “The Clone Wars” as Obi-wan Kenobi uncovers a sinister plot to force the neutral Mandalorians to enter the war. Obi-wan realizes that the war has become confused and that the lines drawn between the Republic and the Separatists as well as friend and foe are anything but clear cut.

Obi wan-Kenobi was beginning to understand that a “Third Force”, a mysterious and shadowy power was working in the background to undermine the war effort. Manipulating events and key players as he had witnessed on Mandalore with the rise of the “Death Watch”. For myself “The Clone Wars” begins to get really interesting at this point as the intrigue and mystery starts to mounts. The series begins to realize a darker theme challenging many of the ideas we had already formed about the main characters. We all know where the inner conflict that assailed Anakin would eventually take him and how things would turn out for the Republic.

Besides being a metaphor for many world events that have occurred in the last few years the Mandalore story provides two clear lessons;

Firstly, while you know yourself better than anyone else you don’t know yourself completely. You don’t know what you are capable of when pushed to the extremes or forced to make a choice and you don’t know the full extent of your better side let alone your dark side. You may trust yourself to a degree, but not explicitly.

Secondly do not assume to know everything about other people including your closest friends and family members, you don’t know all and you never will. That is not to say that they will turn on you, betray you or disappoint you in some grave way, however we cannot over build expectations on others and raise them to a pedestal only to become disillusioned when you see them unable or unwilling to meet those standards. They, like you are only human and like you they have faults, make mistakes and believe it or not they also have weaknesses. All humans do.

The Sponsor

In AA the concept of the “Sponsor” is used to assist the recovering alcoholic. The Sponsor is a person that helps mentor a fellow Alcoholic in his or her recovery. The reason is simple, it helps the Sponsee (the person being sponsored) navigate the 12 Steps. It also helps the Sponsor as service to others is seen as integral in removing selfishness. The mental and emotional load is shared and Sponsor and Sponsee help each other keep on track and avoid relapse.

The main issue with the Sponsor-Sponsee relationship is that if a Sponsor falters and relapses back in to their addiction it can often cause the Sponsee to become disillusioned and also relapse. The problem most often arises when the Sponsor has built up an image of being a “Big Shot” in the recovery program and bullet proof from relapse rather than humble and grateful. The Sponsee raises the Sponsor on a pedestal and draws inspiration from that person the same way a follower looks up to a Guru.

When the Sponsor fails the disappointment and disillusionment is often enough to push the Sponsee to relapse. They say in the program that there are no Gurus, just alcoholics who still suffer but find strength in each other, in themselves and through their chosen concept of a Higher Power.

A good example of the dangers of strong attachment to a personality is presented in the story of Anakin’s Padawan Ahsako Tano. Ahsako Tano was devastated when she learned that her Master and Mentor Anakin had fallen to the Dark Side. It is a wonder that she did not completely abandon the cause or also fall to the Dark Side.

Be on Guard

I don’t have a Sponsor but there are people that I look up to as a role model. It works to be realistic in my expectations of what people can achieve and what they may deliver. I never elevate anyone up to the rank of a Guru and at the same time I never get so self-confident that I start getting cocky. Getting in my own way and trying to run the show usually ends badly for me. Times like those are a reminder for me to re-calibrate and find humility again.

“Don’t get cocky” – Han Solo

The short end is that I still don’t really know myself but I am learning more and more every day. I still have to be on guard especially against my “Dark Side”. Like the situation Obi-wan Kenobi found himself in when he saw a Mandlorian friend betrayed time and time again by trusted friends and allies. I must ask what is real and what might be less than real and accept that lines in the sand can shift or vanish. It is better not to become attached too greatly to an illusion of one’s perceived self or to another that we hold in high esteem.

May the Force be With You

Lower your expectations

12 Step Jedi Perception

“I seek a great warrior” – Luke Skywalker

Expectations can often be our worst enemy. When Luke Skywalker crash lands on to Dagobah he seeks out a great warrior, a Jedi Master who will teach him how to be a Jedi. When he encounters Yoda he becomes impatient, brash and rude and eventually it dawns on him that this little annoying old Goblin like creature is indeed the Jedi Master he seeks.

Luke had an expectation, an idea of what a Jedi Master should look like and that prejudice blinded him from reality. Often reality does not meet our expectations, we hold a certain perception of how others should act or appear, how things should be and are disappointed when they don’t make the grade we expect. Very often it is not what is that is the problem but simply our perception of it, in turn our expectations are incorrect.

When I joined the Army I had a certain illusion of what it would be like and imagined that my expectations would be met. I imagined I would become a member of an elite and a “man among men”. The reality sort of fell short of the mark mainly because of my own poor choices but because the reality of service is different to what I thought it would be. I became disillusioned. One of the most common reasons many choose not to re-enlist was because service and deployment was not what they had expected. Many feel conned. What were they expecting?

As an alcoholic I always expected that one day I could get a handle on my drinking and control it. I had began drinking because I expected it would make me more fun, likable, sociable, one of the guys and attractive to the opposite sex. The reality again was much different and I wore the consequences of my drunken sprees like medals of shame.

When I got sober I also thought that all my problems in life would be miraculously resolved and then I realized that not drinking was only part of the solution. I also had to identify my faults and personal flaws, confront the past and make amends. I had to stop feeling like the world owed me and should treat me better because I was sober and accept that life was going to treat me like any other normal person. My expectations of sobriety were skewed and prejudiced by my own false perceptions of self and others. After some insight and rude reminders of my many character faults, I learned to adjust my expectations and start being realistic.

Ask yourself, what are your expectations at this moment? Consider everything, your job, relationships, health, finances and plans in general. Are they realistic? What influence do you have on others, potential external influence and ultimately outcomes? Identify what is in and outside of your control. Does it really matter if your expectations are not met?

The rule is to be objective and to make plans but never project outcomes. Very often our expectations get ahead of us and we end up disappointed in the outcomes therefore perspectives need to be adjusted if we are to have realistic expectations.

We also need to be agile and flexible enough to absorb the unexpected and often difficult moments in our lives with poise and equanimity. We must also be realistic with ourselves as well as others and accept that mistakes will be made despite the best laid plans. The challenge is to learn from those mistakes and improve. Use stumbling blocks as steps. Be gentle with yourself and with others.