Mindful what you Wish for

12 Step Jedi Acceptance, Attachment, Mindfulness

“There was an old proverb his grandfather had taught him when he’d been a boy: Take care what you wish for, Tenn- you might get it. Now he understood exactly what that meant. He had wanted to fire the big gun, and he had gotten to do just that. The only man in the galaxy who had shot it for real, at real targets, and look what it had brought him: misery beyond his ugliest dreams.” – Tenn Graneet “Death Star”.

Gunner Graneet

Tenn Graneet was not a Jedi but he was a career soldier who did his duty and rose through the ranks of the Imperial Navy as a Gunner. Graneet had a military career which included action in the Clone Wars. With the rise of the Empire and the outbreak of the Galactic rebellion Graneet was promoted to Chief Gunnery Officer on the newly commissioned Death Star. This was everything that the Graneet had ever dreamed of.

During testing of the Death Star Tenn Graneet was responsible for the deployment and firing of the super laser system and witnessed first hard its destructive capacity on Rebel battle cruisers. As the weapon was upgraded to be able to destroy moons and planets Graneet began to question whether the Empire could wield such power responsibly. Graneet found himself questioning the morality of his role. Called upon to destroy the planets Despayre and then Alderaan killing billions of sentients Graneet suffers a crisis of conscience regretting his actions yet unable to defy his Commanders for fear of certain execution if he disobeys orders.

During the battle of Yavin Graneet is ordered to destroy the planet from which a Rebel Force including Luke Skywalker has set out to destroy the Death Star. Realizing that the Rebels have unlocked the secret to destroying the Death Star, Graneet freezes unable to fire when the planet presents as a target, giving the Rebels an opportunity. With those few moments Luke is able to destroy the Death Star. Graneet is killed with tens of thousands of other Imperial troops but countless lives are saved.

What do you Wish For?

How often have you wished for something and regretted it later? Sometimes we pursue a goal or a dream and when it is realized we find ourselves disappointed and disillusioned. In some cases we wish we had chosen differently or never had the idea in the first place. The cost of free will is that with every choice, every decision comes with consequences. Our choices may not be as drastic as the example above but they do carry weight on our conscience.

Drinking always seemed like a good idea even when it was obviously not. I could still easily rationalize the consequences of some poor choices if I could not blame someone else or provide a lame excuse. At the end of the day, no one was forcing me to drink. I still had fun and where’s the harm? Then why did I always feel like somehow it wasn’t my fault? Why did I feel like I was the target of a bad joke? How did I wish all of this? I would not wish it on my worst enemy!

Over the years I have said “I want to” or “I’m going to” many times. I wished for a better life, a meaningful existence and a sense of purpose, just something better than this. The problem was how. I wanted an easy end like in the final scene of Trainspotting when Renton (Ewan McGregor) marches off into the sunrise with satchel of money over his shoulder declaring with a wide grin:

“The truth is that I’m a bad person. But, that’s gonna change – I’m going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I’m cleaning up and I’m moving on, going straight and choosing life”.

Of course that’s not exactly how it happened for me but I did start changing. How? Well, I started to wish, actually pray for stuff and it came, just not in the way I expected.

I started to pray for patience and the Universe gave me plenty of opportunities to practice without resorting to anger, obstinacy and frustration;

I prayed for courage and my Higher Power was with me when I started to make amends and face people with some difficult confessions;

I prayed for compassion and I learned to identify with the addict I used to look down on;

I prayed for humility and my Higher Power had me eating humble pie till I got to like it;

I prayed for understanding and in time my eyes were opened;

I prayed for a better life and I learned to be grateful for the life I have.

Learning the truth can be painful and hard as can change. I have also learned the truth in the saying “old dogs can learn new tricks”, in my case it took a bit of work. We learn to shed our old selves and cultivate something new. I have also learned to be mindful for what I wish for as the Universe has a twisted sense of humor. There is a good chance the Universe will oblige.

 

The Jedi Mind Trick and the Happiness Trap

12 Step Jedi Acceptance, Alcoholism, Emotional Sobriety, Mindfulness, PTSD

Jedi Mind Tricks

The Jedi Mind Trick was used by the Jedi in Star Wars to influence and alter a person’s belief or perception of a certain thing. In “A New Hope” Obi-Wan Kenobi uses the Jedi Mind trick to get past a Storm Trooper check point with the Droids being hunted by the Empire as they contain the stolen plans to the Death Star. Using suggestion, Obi-Wan is able to persuade the Clones that the two Droids are not the one’s they are looking for.

Jedi Mind tricks are used on several occasions by the Jedi as an alternative to direct action. The Mind Trick had its limits. It was useless against life forms with a strong sense of self will and mind. The winged Toydarians for example, were immune to it, probably because they were so good at selling spare parts to Bounty Hunters. The closest thing to the Jedi Mind trick in the real world is persuasion and suggestion. I can think of many times I was convinced to purchase something that I didn’t really need probably due more to my own gullibility rather than the Force.

“I am not the Drunk you are looking for”

Over the years I tried to apply a version of the Jedi Mind trick on others and found my powers lacking. People usually don’t want to do something unless they see personal benefit.  People are generally persuaded to something through reason, fear or the offer of reward. Once the motivating factor is removed, they stop doing it.

Jedi Mind tricks do not work in reality, I can’t wave my hand in front of a Police Officer and say “You have only had one beer, there is no need for a sobriety test”. I can try but I’ll probably get laughed at and then arrested. In some states they probably throw the book at people attempting to “Jedi mind-trick” law enforcement Officers.

So if I can’t “Jedi Mind Trick” my boss to give me a pay rise or a day off, my teenage daughter to tidy her room or my wife to cook my favorite dish can I use it on myself? That is, can I use a form of Jedi Mind Trick to help me achieve a sense of equanimity and balance? How can I mind trick myself to happiness?

“Wishful Drinking”

There are two ways to trick your mind in to a better state. One is based on a false perception of reality and only works for a short time because deep down you know it’s not real. We call that “wishful thinking” or in my case it was “wishful drinking”. That is, getting drunk to feel better and capture a fleeting sense of happiness, fulfillment and contentedness. The other way takes effort and requires mental training. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is one such method based on Mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

“Wishful Drinking” of course is also a book by Carrie Fisher where she recalls the story of her struggle with alcohol, drug abuse and depression. It is a humorous and at times sad portrayal of a woman we came to know and love as Princess Leia. The relevance of course is that Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is all about achieving equanimity and balance, not a shallow illusion of happiness. Happiness is your own personal view point and what makes you “happy” will change over time. I know it has for me. In the book, Carrie Fisher makes the following point about happiness which many of us can relate to.

“Happy is one of the many things I’m likely to be over the course of a day and certainly over the course of a lifetime. But I think if you have the expectation that you’re going to be happy throughout your life–more to the point, if you have a need to be comfortable all the time–well, among other things, you have the makings of a classic drug addict or alcoholic.”
― Carrie Fisher, “Wishful Drinking”.

Happy versus “Happiness”

We know of course that life is not a fairy tale and if we expect to be happy and fulfilled all the time we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. The concept of true “Happiness” seems elusive but it is not. I have seen the happiest and most contented people alive in some of the most modest of settings in the poorest countries in Africa, South America and Asia.

What made these “poor” people happy? Well, they know who they are, they feel connected with and valued by their community, they are surrounded by loved ones and they feel like they are making a contribution. They live simple and productive lives and realize what truly matters. Most of all they are committed to living in accordance with their principles and values.

Watch the Netflix documentary “Happy” if you don’t believe me.

People who are unhappy are unhappy about not being happy as they define it. This is called the “Happiness Trap” (Harris, 2008). Sound like a Jedi Mind Trick?

ACT

This is what Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is about. It is a mind hack that adjusts our perception of ourselves and our response to life in a realistic and honest way. It gets us out of the “Happiness Trap”. There is no simple and temporary “Jedi Mind Trick” to it. The idea is not to “fool” our brain but to train it in “right thought” through pragmatism and mindfulness. With practice ACT rewires how we think about ourselves and the things that bother us and with practice it takes barely any effort to apply in our lives.

The method has been used to help treat veterans suffering anxiety and PTSD and as an alternative to drug therapy. ACT is also gaining popularity with Psychologists and Therapists as a simple and easy way to treat addiction, anxiety and depression. The US DVA promotes ACT as one modality and offers a free app called ACT Coach to use in conjunction with therapy and meditation.

The core principles of ACT are acceptance, commitment and action. The key primer is mindfulness. All of these are key Jedi traits:

  • Defuse and reject beliefs and thoughts that do not serve;
  • Accept feelings, sensations and emotion and let them come and go without struggle;
  • Identify your values and commit to them;
  • Be present in the moment. Observe your thoughts and feelings without judgement;
  • Commit to action that demonstrates you values and those that improve yourself.

The wonderful thing about ACT is that it is so easy to do with practice and can be incorporated in to a meditation practice. The very essence of ACT is in the 12 Steps program so if you are working the steps alone, with a home group or a sponsor there is a good chance you are doing it already and reaping the benefits in your recovery. If not, discuss it with your Therapist and explore it as an option, try it and if it works for you keep doing it.

References:

Fisher, C (2009). Wishful Drinking. Simon & Schuster.

Harris, R. (2008). The Happiness Trap: How to stop struggling and start living. Boston, MA: Trumpeter.

Principles before Personalities

12 Step Jedi Acceptance, Attachment, Principles

The Jedi were all about principles before personalities. The Jedi Order and the mission at hand were seen by the Jedi as far more important than the individual. Often in the Star Wars saga we are reminded of this important precept. Both Yoda and Obi-wan Kenobi accept the end of their lives with equanimity and carry no attachment to the existence that they leave behind caring only that those they leave behind can find the path to bringing balance to the Force and peace to the Galaxy.

During the third battle of Geonosis, Master Jedi Luminara Unduli admonishes Anakin who has become emotional and angry over potentially losing Ahsako Tano during an infiltration mission in to a Separatist Droid Factory. Jedi Master Luminara also has a Padawan who was with Ahsako and may also be lost. She accepts the situation as it presents itself and reminds Anakin that the Jedi do not form attachment to personalities and that the objectives of destroying the Droid Factory is of far greater importance.

When the two Padawan’s are rescued from under the wreckage of the ruined Separatist strong hold Anakin expresses his relief and having never given up. Luminara reminds him that one day he will have to let his Padawan go and asks will he be able to?

Anakin repeats this pattern many times, his guilt and fear of loss, his strong sense of loyalty to those he is attached controls him. As a result he consistently chooses to compromise on the principles he is meant to uphold for the sake of the many. Anakin’s strong need to be able to control circumstances and solve problems even at the sake of the Jedi Code ultimately leads to his down fall.

People before Principle

There is a saying reputed to be by Stalin that goes “one death is a tragedy and a million is statistic”. Sometimes the world will ignore the plight or millions but suddenly spring in to action at the image of one suffering child or the death of one animal splayed all over social media to finally find affinity to a cause and rage at an injustice. We look the other way until we know someone who is affected or we are personally impacted. Otherwise society rallies behind hashtags and for most it is as far as they will go.

“If I look at the mass I will never act.” – Mother Teresa

On the flip side we sometimes allow our emotional attachments and our relationships with people to override our principles and perceptions on things and we lose objectivity and perspective. Often time we are expected to “look the other way” or make exceptions when it’s a friend, family member or an important associate. I see it all the time, friends of friends are given jobs that others may have been more qualified to take, standards that are applied to everyone are often loosened or ignored when it comes to accommodating a friend. Favors are rendered to the chosen few but are denied to those less in favor. Sometimes we do these things because we feel a sense of loyalty or duty to people, we expect something back or we want to be held in esteem and favor.

Drinking before Principle

For me it was drinking before principles. Anytime I was not drinking I thought that I was a person of principle and that personal biases or favorites did not count, that there were no exceptions when it came to drawn lines in the sand. The exception of course was booze. If I knew I had an important engagement the next day or an important assignment due I would work hard but if an opportunity came up to have a drink I would hesitate at first but soon find myself drunk. Reason and good judgement would be abandoned. I would know full well that to allow myself to have on drink would scuttle all good intentions and sure enough I would arrive at the appointed time ill prepared and somehow scrape through vowing never to do it again.

My skewed priorities applied everywhere. One relationship after another was ruined through my selfish indulgence and complete lack of consideration for others once I started drinking. I would meet someone I thought was really nice and for a short while I would control myself and then inevitably I would be away on a drinking spree and reveal the type of person I was. Eventually my relationships would end badly and I would blame the other person. Jobs were gained with a handshake and in good faith and end within months after my Employer saw that my work ethic and reliability was in doubt as much as my ability to turn up to work without a hangover. One promise was broken after the next.

In all our Affairs

I had principles (or at least I thought I did) and I could not understand how I could not up hold them while expecting others to up hold their own. Eventually I got sober and realized that besides new found sobriety and a spiritual foundation all I had was a few simple principles that if applied, could keep me sober and alive. The main  caveat was applying them in all of my affairs.

Weddings, Birthdays, Anniversaries, Christmas and Easter, New Years and so many other occasions I could have a drink but I won’t. I will not and I cannot. My best friend wants me to celebrate with him the birth of his Granddaughter, I land a new and lucrative job or I pass an important exam, all valid reasons for a beer or two. Still I won’t. I have to lie or cheat to get my way or help out a friend or family member? Honesty is a virtue and for me a principle, so I don’t. I’m forced to consider taking action which may be viewed as unethical or morally questionable in order to land a friend an important job or opportunity? Not anymore. I have to draw a line and say I can’t cross it and figure out a way to help in a way that is true to my values.

If all you have are your values and the principles by which you live then why would you compromise on them? Friends come and go, our family members sometimes let us down, our material possessions and present comforts are transient and impermanent. All you have is your inner life and your ability to decide what is right and what is wrong and to act according to whatever principles you hold dear. If your primary concern is your family and by principle you will do anything for them, no matter what the consequences or cost, then so be it, it is your choice. But always choose principles before personality always otherwise be prepared to compromise on who you truly are.

“If it isn’t true don’t say it, if it isn’t right don’t do it, if it isn’t yours don’t take it” –  Unknown.

Size Matters Not

12 Step Jedi Acceptance, Self Esteem

“Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes. Even between the land and the ship” – Yoda (The Empire Strikes Back).

In this scene on Dagobah, Yoda challenged Luke Skywalker to use the Force and lift his X-wing Fighter out of the swamp where it was crash landed. Luke tries and at first seems to be succeeding and then he backs off and the X-wing sinks back in to the bog. “I can’t. It’s too big”, he says and then watches mouth agape as Yoda effortlessly lifts the fighter up and places it on dry ground. Luke has that look you get when you have just seen someone in the gym who is half your size easily benching twice your maximum weight capacity for more reps than you could imagine. “I don’t believe it!” Luke says.

“That is why you fail” – Yoda

A Short Tale

I’ve always lived by the premise that “size does not matter”, although it was a facade. At a modest 5’6” I would be considered short for a guy and indeed one of my many frustrations in life was trying to see what was going on past everyone in a crowded pub; everyone else being taller than me. Being short can suck, being short and skinny is worse.

Shorter guys usually get ignored by girls, get passed up for jobs or promotion and bear the brunt of “short guy” jokes. A mere few inches makes a world of difference in one’s self esteem and standing in society. We are as a species programmed to appreciate and admire what is tall, it is a ubiquitous fact with few exceptions. Short guys get the short end in life.

Since I first started getting conscious of my height in “High” School (no pun intended), I found ways to compensate. I played Rugby in my senior year because in my book Rugby was a man’s game played by real men. It was in my view the only true football code, soccer being a distant second because of skill. What better way than to prove my manliness than by playing Rugby?

The Pocket Rocket

My speed and agility on the field had me playing on the wing and I was also used as a Scrum Half and egged on by my team mates, “go for their ankles Pocket Rocket!”. My aggression was noted and in the last games of the season I was moved to Full Back as I was fearless in taking down much larger guys or picking up a ball and taking it all the way for a try. I was by far the smallest guy and weighed around 127 pounds, yet I was warned on several occasions to tone down my aggression or face the sidelines.

In the Army I chose the Infantry despite the jokes about my height not being adequate to get over the wall on the obstacle course. I was recommended for the Armor Branch where short guys are stuffed in to Tanks and Fighting Vehicles. In order to pass the Infantry course you had to negotiate a grueling obstacle course with weapon and webbing within a time limit. No small feat when you are shorter than everyone else and have to scale walls. I figured being a Grunt was what real men do.

In my unit I worked as hard, if not harder than anyone else refusing to let my size be an excuse. Coupled with my growing taste for alcohol I became immersed in the culture of “train hard, play harder, fight easy”. This was all to compensate for my insecurities and fears. I needed to feel accepted and fought the cruel joke God had played, handing me a sorry childhood and adding a small body as an insult.

Never to be outdone by my taller and bigger peers I would hit on the hottest and tallest girls in the bars and night clubs. Mostly my advances would be rebuffed but short guys know they can’t win the “tall gene” stakes so we go play the “hearts and minds” game. Fueled with alcohol and a cocky self confidence, I would either charm or amuse my targets in to submission. My friends would stare in wonder. Women would call me “cute”, it drove me nuts but who cares? All is fair in love and war. “Good things come in small packages”; I used that line more times than I care to remember. It worked.

“Look at me. Judge me by my size do you?” – Yoda

Doesn’t Measure Up

As an alcoholic however I was no good at appreciating proportionality. For me it was “all or nothing”. Moderation was not part of my vocabulary, not in drinking or in anything else. There was no such thing as stopping at one or backing down. Drunk and faced with a larger opponent, I would go for the knees, never letting my size dictate my fighting weight. I would compensate by fighting dirty.I would more often than not be beaten in to the ground.

When I tried to stop drinking I would find that I needed to take out my excesses elsewhere. Addiction has a wide scope and rather than seeking temperance in all things I would simply seek to substitute one vice for another. In any case I would soon return to the booze and drink volumes that belied my stature and eventually left me drinking alone.

There is nothing more pathetic than a drunken fool. The image is even more pathetic when that drunken fool happens to be pint size. Like my father before me I started to lose weight and muscle mass as my drinking progressed and I neglected my health. My clothes hung off me, my skin tone was unhealthy and I regularly sported a three-day stubble and pair of blood shot eyes. I was lecherous and repulsive. My personality became progressively worse. I was bitter, angry and hateful and mostly with myself.

Learning to Stand Tall

One of the wonderful facts of recovery is acceptance. Not only do we accept that we have a disease and see the need to surrender our attachments and let them go, we also begin to accept ourselves, warts and all. We learn to accept and appreciate our entire being, mind, heart, soul and body.

In accepting who we are inside and out we also accept other people. We stop condemning ourselves and we stop comparing with others in order to feel better. Our focus becomes more inward, we lose the need to rely on external factors to make us feel complete. In short, I stopped feeling inadequate for being short. I started to accept and learned to embrace it. I learned the true meaning of “Stand Tall”.

“And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is.” – Yoda

Accept yourself

I started to realize that my body is not who I am. This body is a temporary cloak, an organic structure designed to carry me for a few decades on this Earth. I have learned to respect it more and utilize it mindfully and care for it. My body is on loan to me, invested for a time and it will grow old and one day it will die and return to dust.

In the meantime I treat it with the love and dignity it deserves and maintain it for the gift that it is. Why should I care if I stand shorter than anyone else? Within me resides something which is far grander and far more magnificent than can be imagined. That magnificence resides within all of us.

I still dress to look taller though ;).

“Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter” – Yoda

Luck

12 Step Jedi Acceptance, Control, Perception

“We make our own Luck” – Obi-wan Kenobi

“No such thing as luck” – Mace Windu

The fictional Jedi believed in the will of the Force not Luck. They believed in the existence of fate however the future need not be predetermined. With free will comes the opportunity to create one’s own reality and thereby change the future. The Jedi prophesy of the coming of one who would bring balance to the Force depicts Jedi fatalism but also the power and change that one person could bring to the galaxy through the Force.

Jedi however did not place much credence on luck. They believed that luck alone can not save the day and that careful planning and completion of one’s duties mindfully ensured that desired outcomes were more probable.

Hard Luck

Anakin Skywalker grew up in the chaotic and lawless environment of Tatooine. Luck would have been a big part of surviving day to day in an environment where if Tusken Raiders did not get you, the Desert would. Existence on Tatooine was akin to the Wild West frontier;  Criminal gangs, Bounty Hunters, Mercenaries, Smugglers and Slave Traders and corrupt Merchants ruled while moisture farmers egged out a living from the terrain and tried to keep out of trouble and stay alive. Anakin depended on luck to survive. Much later as a Jedi Knight his penchant for dicing with chance continued.

“Luck of the Irish”

I used to joke that I had the “Luck of the Irish” due to the fact that I had survived many years of drunken misadventures. Fortune had smiled on me; I had not been killed or badly busted up in a fight, blown up or shot, hit by a car, mauled by a Bull in Pamplona or suffered a loss of limb in an industrial accident (although all of these things I had narrowly avoided). I still had most of my teeth, a straight nose, few physical scars and all my faculties and pieces in place. On most nights I could still drink most under the table and my liver had held up to the task. I was thumbing my nose to fate and claiming “luck” was on my side.

An honest gambler will tell you that eventually luck runs out. I had seen my gambling addicted father lose his pay month after month and still be believed that his “day would come”. It never did and he died a broke and broken man many years later.

My day however did come but not the way I expected.  In the span of a few years there were  stints in the Brig, a court martial and dishonorable discharge, run ins with the law, failed relationships, lost jobs, ailing health and a hospital admission in addition to everyday “bad luck”. These were just preludes to the eventual spiral to rock bottom.

I cursed whatever luck I had and damned God for dealing me a poor hand. I believed my “Irish Luck” had abandoned me or become “Mr Murphy”. I never once paused to think that perhaps I had made my own bad luck.

Reality Bites

Living in sober reality is accepting that some things go well and others don’t. We cannot control every single aspect of our lives or expect that things will turn out the way we want. What I have learned is it is not so much what happens to me but how I deal with it that matters.

I can view a bad turn of events as a loss or I can view it as an opportunity. If I did everything I could and things still didn’t turn out the way I planned I accepted that, picked up the pieces, salvaged what I could and went back to the drawing board or moved on.

Reverse Clause

The Stoics believed in the concept of “reverse clause” to deal with obstacles. The “reverse clause” is a back up option; it is the next best thing. In some cases it is the best thing. The treatment is entirely mental as at the end of the day all we have is our minds and the free will to choose how to respond to obstacles and misfortune. As an example if I’m on my way to the airport to catch a plane home and a traffic jam impedes my progress I can only do my best to find an alternate route. If I miss the plane, I don’t bemoan it as “bad luck” and get angry. I turn around and make the best of the situation and try to get home the next day. That’s life.

Despite everything that ever happened to me I still believe that I am “Lucky”. I still have my health and fitness, my career is going well and my family life although turbulent at times is doing well. Looking back at the times when I wallowed deep in self pity expecting life to do me favors, I can say that at the end of the day I simply made my own “Luck”. By working the steps and being true to the principles of honesty, humility, temperance and faith things started to work out.

Things do work out

Every moment in my life led me to this point. Had I never been a drunk and hit rock bottom I would never have discovered the steps and I would never have found Jedi Philosophy. I would not be the person I am today. More importantly, I would not be writing this and I would not be grateful for every sober day.

No matter what happens, fundamentally all is well. I play my part and leave it to the Force to determine the outcomes. Can you do the same or will you rely on Luck?

Revenge

12 Step Jedi Acceptance, Forgiveness

“Jedi don’t hold grudges” – Aurra Sing (Bounty Hunter)

Revenge is a recurring theme in the Star Wars saga. The Sith spent centuries seeking revenge against the Jedi in the old and the last Republic and finally succeed in the “Revenge of the Sith”. Boba Fett the clone son of the Mandalorian Bounty Hunter Jango Fett sought revenge against the Jedi Master Mace Windu for killing his Father during the Battle of Geonosis in “Attack of the Clones”.  Asajj Ventress, one of the most compelling and lethal characters in “The Clone Wars” is betrayed by her Master Count Dooku during the Battle of Sullust. The Dathomirian Assassin then attempts several times to exact her revenge and kill Dooku. Failing every time, Ventress finally decides to set aside her lust for revenge and seek a new life.

“A Season in Hell”

There is a Sicilian proverb which translates to “Revenge is a season in Hell”. The “Dish best served Cold” may seem satisfying when carried out for a perceived injustice but my experience has shown otherwise. Anger, resentment, hatred and a thirst for restitution and revenge are burdens on the mind and soul. In the end it achieves nothing and leaves an emptiness and a scar that runs deep.

Revenge has become confused at times with Justice. The complex issue of retaliating to terror attacks for example can often seem unclear and ill thought. Revenge leads to more violence and so on. During my time in the Army the desire to extract revenge for a comrade killed by an IED would lead us to do things that were ethically and morally questionable. We felt it was justified, it felt good and the brass mostly looked the other way. Our self righteousness and anger gave us the fuel we needed and you were either in or out. Whether it was a dead or wounded soldier or an affront to unit honor, we wanted “pay back”.

I still think about the violence and the anger which dominated my life for five years. The effect it had on all of us then remains in part today. Sometimes the regret of actions, the way we treated each other and especially people weaker than us is remembered. I was angry and wanted pay back for years. I would think of my childhood, my dead mother, my drunken father and his fists, the bullies at school, the Nuns and Priests who would abuse us physically and mentally in boarding school. There was the process of bastardization and dehumanization experienced in the Army. I was riddled with anger and resentment for years. I wanted revenge but there was no specific person I could exact it on, so I drank and decided one day I would make the world pay.

It is true, revenge is a season in Hell and I spent the better part of 25 years in my own self made Hell. I was no longer under the control of a parent, school, institution or government but I was completely owned by Booze. In that grey cold place between sanity and insanity and living and dying nothing seems real. We drink to make life bearable and we blame the world for our troubles. In the end there is only two choices; continue down the slippery slope or start forgiving and start the long road to recovery.

Forgiveness

I took Step 4 some time ago and wept like a child as I wrote my long discourse of misery. All of the anger, fear, resentment and revenge seeking that I had held had left me broken.  I forgave myself and I let all of it go, leaving it to the past and in the hands of whatever Higher Power I had conceived. By forgiving myself I was able to forgive the world. It felt as if the weight I’d carried for all those years fell away like some dark heavy cloak. The clouds parted and for once I felt real hope that the nightmare was over. I set out to list those I had harmed and started to make amends one by one.

In “The Clone Wars”, Bobba Fett infiltrates Geonosis and with the help of the Bounty Hunter Aurra Sing attempts to kill Mace Windu. The attempt fails and Boba is captured and imprisoned on Coruscant. Face to face with the man who killed his father Boba Fett vows he will one day have his revenge:

“I see now I’ve done terrible things. But you started when you murdered my father! I’ll never forgive you.”
“Hmm. Well, you’re going to have to. Take him away.“

Boba Fett and Mace Windu

In the end we never find out if Boba Fett forgave Mace Windu after the Jedi Master was killed by Darth Sidious. Asajj Ventress attempted one more time to kill Count Dooku, this time with the help of Jedi Master Quinlan Vos. The Jedi Council wanted Dooku dead to bring an end to the war and Ventress saw an opportunity. During the adventure Ventress fell in love with Vos and it is that love and the sacrifice of her life to save her lover that redeems her, not revenge.