Mindful what you Wish for

12 Step Jedi Acceptance, Attachment, Mindfulness

“There was an old proverb his grandfather had taught him when he’d been a boy: Take care what you wish for, Tenn- you might get it. Now he understood exactly what that meant. He had wanted to fire the big gun, and he had gotten to do just that. The only man in the galaxy who had shot it for real, at real targets, and look what it had brought him: misery beyond his ugliest dreams.” – Tenn Graneet “Death Star”.

Gunner Graneet

Tenn Graneet was not a Jedi but he was a career soldier who did his duty and rose through the ranks of the Imperial Navy as a Gunner. Graneet had a military career which included action in the Clone Wars. With the rise of the Empire and the outbreak of the Galactic rebellion Graneet was promoted to Chief Gunnery Officer on the newly commissioned Death Star. This was everything that the Graneet had ever dreamed of.

During testing of the Death Star Tenn Graneet was responsible for the deployment and firing of the super laser system and witnessed first hard its destructive capacity on Rebel battle cruisers. As the weapon was upgraded to be able to destroy moons and planets Graneet began to question whether the Empire could wield such power responsibly. Graneet found himself questioning the morality of his role. Called upon to destroy the planets Despayre and then Alderaan killing billions of sentients Graneet suffers a crisis of conscience regretting his actions yet unable to defy his Commanders for fear of certain execution if he disobeys orders.

During the battle of Yavin Graneet is ordered to destroy the planet from which a Rebel Force including Luke Skywalker has set out to destroy the Death Star. Realizing that the Rebels have unlocked the secret to destroying the Death Star, Graneet freezes unable to fire when the planet presents as a target, giving the Rebels an opportunity. With those few moments Luke is able to destroy the Death Star. Graneet is killed with tens of thousands of other Imperial troops but countless lives are saved.

What do you Wish For?

How often have you wished for something and regretted it later? Sometimes we pursue a goal or a dream and when it is realized we find ourselves disappointed and disillusioned. In some cases we wish we had chosen differently or never had the idea in the first place. The cost of free will is that with every choice, every decision comes with consequences. Our choices may not be as drastic as the example above but they do carry weight on our conscience.

Drinking always seemed like a good idea even when it was obviously not. I could still easily rationalize the consequences of some poor choices if I could not blame someone else or provide a lame excuse. At the end of the day, no one was forcing me to drink. I still had fun and where’s the harm? Then why did I always feel like somehow it wasn’t my fault? Why did I feel like I was the target of a bad joke? How did I wish all of this? I would not wish it on my worst enemy!

Over the years I have said “I want to” or “I’m going to” many times. I wished for a better life, a meaningful existence and a sense of purpose, just something better than this. The problem was how. I wanted an easy end like in the final scene of Trainspotting when Renton (Ewan McGregor) marches off into the sunrise with satchel of money over his shoulder declaring with a wide grin:

“The truth is that I’m a bad person. But, that’s gonna change – I’m going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I’m cleaning up and I’m moving on, going straight and choosing life”.

Of course that’s not exactly how it happened for me but I did start changing. How? Well, I started to wish, actually pray for stuff and it came, just not in the way I expected.

I started to pray for patience and the Universe gave me plenty of opportunities to practice without resorting to anger, obstinacy and frustration;

I prayed for courage and my Higher Power was with me when I started to make amends and face people with some difficult confessions;

I prayed for compassion and I learned to identify with the addict I used to look down on;

I prayed for humility and my Higher Power had me eating humble pie till I got to like it;

I prayed for understanding and in time my eyes were opened;

I prayed for a better life and I learned to be grateful for the life I have.

Learning the truth can be painful and hard as can change. I have also learned the truth in the saying “old dogs can learn new tricks”, in my case it took a bit of work. We learn to shed our old selves and cultivate something new. I have also learned to be mindful for what I wish for as the Universe has a twisted sense of humor. There is a good chance the Universe will oblige.

 

The Jedi Mind Trick and the Happiness Trap

12 Step Jedi Acceptance, Alcoholism, Emotional Sobriety, Mindfulness, PTSD

Jedi Mind Tricks

The Jedi Mind Trick was used by the Jedi in Star Wars to influence and alter a person’s belief or perception of a certain thing. In “A New Hope” Obi-Wan Kenobi uses the Jedi Mind trick to get past a Storm Trooper check point with the Droids being hunted by the Empire as they contain the stolen plans to the Death Star. Using suggestion, Obi-Wan is able to persuade the Clones that the two Droids are not the one’s they are looking for.

Jedi Mind tricks are used on several occasions by the Jedi as an alternative to direct action. The Mind Trick had its limits. It was useless against life forms with a strong sense of self will and mind. The winged Toydarians for example, were immune to it, probably because they were so good at selling spare parts to Bounty Hunters. The closest thing to the Jedi Mind trick in the real world is persuasion and suggestion. I can think of many times I was convinced to purchase something that I didn’t really need probably due more to my own gullibility rather than the Force.

“I am not the Drunk you are looking for”

Over the years I tried to apply a version of the Jedi Mind trick on others and found my powers lacking. People usually don’t want to do something unless they see personal benefit.  People are generally persuaded to something through reason, fear or the offer of reward. Once the motivating factor is removed, they stop doing it.

Jedi Mind tricks do not work in reality, I can’t wave my hand in front of a Police Officer and say “You have only had one beer, there is no need for a sobriety test”. I can try but I’ll probably get laughed at and then arrested. In some states they probably throw the book at people attempting to “Jedi mind-trick” law enforcement Officers.

So if I can’t “Jedi Mind Trick” my boss to give me a pay rise or a day off, my teenage daughter to tidy her room or my wife to cook my favorite dish can I use it on myself? That is, can I use a form of Jedi Mind Trick to help me achieve a sense of equanimity and balance? How can I mind trick myself to happiness?

“Wishful Drinking”

There are two ways to trick your mind in to a better state. One is based on a false perception of reality and only works for a short time because deep down you know it’s not real. We call that “wishful thinking” or in my case it was “wishful drinking”. That is, getting drunk to feel better and capture a fleeting sense of happiness, fulfillment and contentedness. The other way takes effort and requires mental training. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is one such method based on Mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

“Wishful Drinking” of course is also a book by Carrie Fisher where she recalls the story of her struggle with alcohol, drug abuse and depression. It is a humorous and at times sad portrayal of a woman we came to know and love as Princess Leia. The relevance of course is that Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is all about achieving equanimity and balance, not a shallow illusion of happiness. Happiness is your own personal view point and what makes you “happy” will change over time. I know it has for me. In the book, Carrie Fisher makes the following point about happiness which many of us can relate to.

“Happy is one of the many things I’m likely to be over the course of a day and certainly over the course of a lifetime. But I think if you have the expectation that you’re going to be happy throughout your life–more to the point, if you have a need to be comfortable all the time–well, among other things, you have the makings of a classic drug addict or alcoholic.”
― Carrie Fisher, “Wishful Drinking”.

Happy versus “Happiness”

We know of course that life is not a fairy tale and if we expect to be happy and fulfilled all the time we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. The concept of true “Happiness” seems elusive but it is not. I have seen the happiest and most contented people alive in some of the most modest of settings in the poorest countries in Africa, South America and Asia.

What made these “poor” people happy? Well, they know who they are, they feel connected with and valued by their community, they are surrounded by loved ones and they feel like they are making a contribution. They live simple and productive lives and realize what truly matters. Most of all they are committed to living in accordance with their principles and values.

Watch the Netflix documentary “Happy” if you don’t believe me.

People who are unhappy are unhappy about not being happy as they define it. This is called the “Happiness Trap” (Harris, 2008). Sound like a Jedi Mind Trick?

ACT

This is what Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is about. It is a mind hack that adjusts our perception of ourselves and our response to life in a realistic and honest way. It gets us out of the “Happiness Trap”. There is no simple and temporary “Jedi Mind Trick” to it. The idea is not to “fool” our brain but to train it in “right thought” through pragmatism and mindfulness. With practice ACT rewires how we think about ourselves and the things that bother us and with practice it takes barely any effort to apply in our lives.

The method has been used to help treat veterans suffering anxiety and PTSD and as an alternative to drug therapy. ACT is also gaining popularity with Psychologists and Therapists as a simple and easy way to treat addiction, anxiety and depression. The US DVA promotes ACT as one modality and offers a free app called ACT Coach to use in conjunction with therapy and meditation.

The core principles of ACT are acceptance, commitment and action. The key primer is mindfulness. All of these are key Jedi traits:

  • Defuse and reject beliefs and thoughts that do not serve;
  • Accept feelings, sensations and emotion and let them come and go without struggle;
  • Identify your values and commit to them;
  • Be present in the moment. Observe your thoughts and feelings without judgement;
  • Commit to action that demonstrates you values and those that improve yourself.

The wonderful thing about ACT is that it is so easy to do with practice and can be incorporated in to a meditation practice. The very essence of ACT is in the 12 Steps program so if you are working the steps alone, with a home group or a sponsor there is a good chance you are doing it already and reaping the benefits in your recovery. If not, discuss it with your Therapist and explore it as an option, try it and if it works for you keep doing it.

References:

Fisher, C (2009). Wishful Drinking. Simon & Schuster.

Harris, R. (2008). The Happiness Trap: How to stop struggling and start living. Boston, MA: Trumpeter.

Principles before Personalities

12 Step Jedi Acceptance, Attachment, Principles

The Jedi were all about principles before personalities. The Jedi Order and the mission at hand were seen by the Jedi as far more important than the individual. Often in the Star Wars saga we are reminded of this important precept. Both Yoda and Obi-wan Kenobi accept the end of their lives with equanimity and carry no attachment to the existence that they leave behind caring only that those they leave behind can find the path to bringing balance to the Force and peace to the Galaxy.

During the third battle of Geonosis, Master Jedi Luminara Unduli admonishes Anakin who has become emotional and angry over potentially losing Ahsako Tano during an infiltration mission in to a Separatist Droid Factory. Jedi Master Luminara also has a Padawan who was with Ahsako and may also be lost. She accepts the situation as it presents itself and reminds Anakin that the Jedi do not form attachment to personalities and that the objectives of destroying the Droid Factory is of far greater importance.

When the two Padawan’s are rescued from under the wreckage of the ruined Separatist strong hold Anakin expresses his relief and having never given up. Luminara reminds him that one day he will have to let his Padawan go and asks will he be able to?

Anakin repeats this pattern many times, his guilt and fear of loss, his strong sense of loyalty to those he is attached controls him. As a result he consistently chooses to compromise on the principles he is meant to uphold for the sake of the many. Anakin’s strong need to be able to control circumstances and solve problems even at the sake of the Jedi Code ultimately leads to his down fall.

People before Principle

There is a saying reputed to be by Stalin that goes “one death is a tragedy and a million is statistic”. Sometimes the world will ignore the plight or millions but suddenly spring in to action at the image of one suffering child or the death of one animal splayed all over social media to finally find affinity to a cause and rage at an injustice. We look the other way until we know someone who is affected or we are personally impacted. Otherwise society rallies behind hashtags and for most it is as far as they will go.

“If I look at the mass I will never act.” – Mother Teresa

On the flip side we sometimes allow our emotional attachments and our relationships with people to override our principles and perceptions on things and we lose objectivity and perspective. Often time we are expected to “look the other way” or make exceptions when it’s a friend, family member or an important associate. I see it all the time, friends of friends are given jobs that others may have been more qualified to take, standards that are applied to everyone are often loosened or ignored when it comes to accommodating a friend. Favors are rendered to the chosen few but are denied to those less in favor. Sometimes we do these things because we feel a sense of loyalty or duty to people, we expect something back or we want to be held in esteem and favor.

Drinking before Principle

For me it was drinking before principles. Anytime I was not drinking I thought that I was a person of principle and that personal biases or favorites did not count, that there were no exceptions when it came to drawn lines in the sand. The exception of course was booze. If I knew I had an important engagement the next day or an important assignment due I would work hard but if an opportunity came up to have a drink I would hesitate at first but soon find myself drunk. Reason and good judgement would be abandoned. I would know full well that to allow myself to have on drink would scuttle all good intentions and sure enough I would arrive at the appointed time ill prepared and somehow scrape through vowing never to do it again.

My skewed priorities applied everywhere. One relationship after another was ruined through my selfish indulgence and complete lack of consideration for others once I started drinking. I would meet someone I thought was really nice and for a short while I would control myself and then inevitably I would be away on a drinking spree and reveal the type of person I was. Eventually my relationships would end badly and I would blame the other person. Jobs were gained with a handshake and in good faith and end within months after my Employer saw that my work ethic and reliability was in doubt as much as my ability to turn up to work without a hangover. One promise was broken after the next.

In all our Affairs

I had principles (or at least I thought I did) and I could not understand how I could not up hold them while expecting others to up hold their own. Eventually I got sober and realized that besides new found sobriety and a spiritual foundation all I had was a few simple principles that if applied, could keep me sober and alive. The main  caveat was applying them in all of my affairs.

Weddings, Birthdays, Anniversaries, Christmas and Easter, New Years and so many other occasions I could have a drink but I won’t. I will not and I cannot. My best friend wants me to celebrate with him the birth of his Granddaughter, I land a new and lucrative job or I pass an important exam, all valid reasons for a beer or two. Still I won’t. I have to lie or cheat to get my way or help out a friend or family member? Honesty is a virtue and for me a principle, so I don’t. I’m forced to consider taking action which may be viewed as unethical or morally questionable in order to land a friend an important job or opportunity? Not anymore. I have to draw a line and say I can’t cross it and figure out a way to help in a way that is true to my values.

If all you have are your values and the principles by which you live then why would you compromise on them? Friends come and go, our family members sometimes let us down, our material possessions and present comforts are transient and impermanent. All you have is your inner life and your ability to decide what is right and what is wrong and to act according to whatever principles you hold dear. If your primary concern is your family and by principle you will do anything for them, no matter what the consequences or cost, then so be it, it is your choice. But always choose principles before personality always otherwise be prepared to compromise on who you truly are.

“If it isn’t true don’t say it, if it isn’t right don’t do it, if it isn’t yours don’t take it” –  Unknown.

Size Matters Not

12 Step Jedi Acceptance, Self Esteem

“Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes. Even between the land and the ship” – Yoda (The Empire Strikes Back).

In this scene on Dagobah, Yoda challenged Luke Skywalker to use the Force and lift his X-wing Fighter out of the swamp where it was crash landed. Luke tries and at first seems to be succeeding and then he backs off and the X-wing sinks back in to the bog. “I can’t. It’s too big”, he says and then watches mouth agape as Yoda effortlessly lifts the fighter up and places it on dry ground. Luke has that look you get when you have just seen someone in the gym who is half your size easily benching twice your maximum weight capacity for more reps than you could imagine. “I don’t believe it!” Luke says.

“That is why you fail” – Yoda

A Short Tale

I’ve always lived by the premise that “size does not matter”, although it was a facade. At a modest 5’6” I would be considered short for a guy and indeed one of my many frustrations in life was trying to see what was going on past everyone in a crowded pub; everyone else being taller than me. Being short can suck, being short and skinny is worse.

Shorter guys usually get ignored by girls, get passed up for jobs or promotion and bear the brunt of “short guy” jokes. A mere few inches makes a world of difference in one’s self esteem and standing in society. We are as a species programmed to appreciate and admire what is tall, it is a ubiquitous fact with few exceptions. Short guys get the short end in life.

Since I first started getting conscious of my height in “High” School (no pun intended), I found ways to compensate. I played Rugby in my senior year because in my book Rugby was a man’s game played by real men. It was in my view the only true football code, soccer being a distant second because of skill. What better way than to prove my manliness than by playing Rugby?

The Pocket Rocket

My speed and agility on the field had me playing on the wing and I was also used as a Scrum Half and egged on by my team mates, “go for their ankles Pocket Rocket!”. My aggression was noted and in the last games of the season I was moved to Full Back as I was fearless in taking down much larger guys or picking up a ball and taking it all the way for a try. I was by far the smallest guy and weighed around 127 pounds, yet I was warned on several occasions to tone down my aggression or face the sidelines.

In the Army I chose the Infantry despite the jokes about my height not being adequate to get over the wall on the obstacle course. I was recommended for the Armor Branch where short guys are stuffed in to Tanks and Fighting Vehicles. In order to pass the Infantry course you had to negotiate a grueling obstacle course with weapon and webbing within a time limit. No small feat when you are shorter than everyone else and have to scale walls. I figured being a Grunt was what real men do.

In my unit I worked as hard, if not harder than anyone else refusing to let my size be an excuse. Coupled with my growing taste for alcohol I became immersed in the culture of “train hard, play harder, fight easy”. This was all to compensate for my insecurities and fears. I needed to feel accepted and fought the cruel joke God had played, handing me a sorry childhood and adding a small body as an insult.

Never to be outdone by my taller and bigger peers I would hit on the hottest and tallest girls in the bars and night clubs. Mostly my advances would be rebuffed but short guys know they can’t win the “tall gene” stakes so we go play the “hearts and minds” game. Fueled with alcohol and a cocky self confidence, I would either charm or amuse my targets in to submission. My friends would stare in wonder. Women would call me “cute”, it drove me nuts but who cares? All is fair in love and war. “Good things come in small packages”; I used that line more times than I care to remember. It worked.

“Look at me. Judge me by my size do you?” – Yoda

Doesn’t Measure Up

As an alcoholic however I was no good at appreciating proportionality. For me it was “all or nothing”. Moderation was not part of my vocabulary, not in drinking or in anything else. There was no such thing as stopping at one or backing down. Drunk and faced with a larger opponent, I would go for the knees, never letting my size dictate my fighting weight. I would compensate by fighting dirty.I would more often than not be beaten in to the ground.

When I tried to stop drinking I would find that I needed to take out my excesses elsewhere. Addiction has a wide scope and rather than seeking temperance in all things I would simply seek to substitute one vice for another. In any case I would soon return to the booze and drink volumes that belied my stature and eventually left me drinking alone.

There is nothing more pathetic than a drunken fool. The image is even more pathetic when that drunken fool happens to be pint size. Like my father before me I started to lose weight and muscle mass as my drinking progressed and I neglected my health. My clothes hung off me, my skin tone was unhealthy and I regularly sported a three-day stubble and pair of blood shot eyes. I was lecherous and repulsive. My personality became progressively worse. I was bitter, angry and hateful and mostly with myself.

Learning to Stand Tall

One of the wonderful facts of recovery is acceptance. Not only do we accept that we have a disease and see the need to surrender our attachments and let them go, we also begin to accept ourselves, warts and all. We learn to accept and appreciate our entire being, mind, heart, soul and body.

In accepting who we are inside and out we also accept other people. We stop condemning ourselves and we stop comparing with others in order to feel better. Our focus becomes more inward, we lose the need to rely on external factors to make us feel complete. In short, I stopped feeling inadequate for being short. I started to accept and learned to embrace it. I learned the true meaning of “Stand Tall”.

“And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is.” – Yoda

Accept yourself

I started to realize that my body is not who I am. This body is a temporary cloak, an organic structure designed to carry me for a few decades on this Earth. I have learned to respect it more and utilize it mindfully and care for it. My body is on loan to me, invested for a time and it will grow old and one day it will die and return to dust.

In the meantime I treat it with the love and dignity it deserves and maintain it for the gift that it is. Why should I care if I stand shorter than anyone else? Within me resides something which is far grander and far more magnificent than can be imagined. That magnificence resides within all of us.

I still dress to look taller though ;).

“Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter” – Yoda

Fight for your Life

12 Step Jedi Gratitude, Humility, Perception, Purpose

In the Face of Betrayal

When the newly self-crowned Emperor Palpatine gave Order 66 the directive was executed swiftly and brutally. Thousands of Jedi were immediately killed by their Clone subordinates and guards without question or hesitation.  The Temple was razed. The Jedi Order was destroyed and very few Jedi survived and those that did either went in to hiding or left the order for a life as a bounty hunter, smuggler or Rebel and continued to struggle. The Jedi went down fighting.

Many of the Jedi who survived fought their way out as their brethren died around them. None surrendered; all died fighting or overcame their adversaries and escaped. The Jedi endured the betrayal and suffered their fate with valor and courage and yet they refused to go quietly and went down fighting  without fear. They had faith in the Force and did not fear death.

Bravery in adversity is not only a Jedi trait. Although not a Jedi, Chirrut the blind warrior in “Rogue One” called upon the Force to gather his strength as he completed his mission and was killed as were all the other Rebels raiding the Scarif Citadel for the Death Star Plans and the future of the Rebellion. Their mission was a success.

Never say Die

It may not be the plans to the Death Star, but in life some things are worth fighting for no matter the odds. Sometimes it’s no longer important what happens to us or whether we succeed or not but how we navigate through the crisis and meet our end. Its the fight that counts.

All of us are engaged in a futile battle to stay alive. Eventually every single human alive including you and I must face death. That does not mean we should not fight while we can.

The manner that we can choose to respond to each moment is a personal choice. How we greet each day and the manner in which we engage in the struggle for life is entirely up to each individual. We must eventually succumb to our mortal end. The goal is still to live a good life before we reach that end.

Never Give Up

Several years ago I was a very sick individual. I had had a tumor discovered inside my cranial cavity on the acoustic nerve. The growth was non-malignant but due to its mass and location was life threatening and needed to be removed. At the time I was also drinking heavily. My response to the news of my condition was not as I expected, I was scared and upset and all the sudden I was determined to live and grab a second lease in life. I was going to fight this.

The Doctor was very impressed with my attitude but did ponder my “3-5 alcoholic drinks per week” response on my health questionnaire with a raised brow. The Doctor reassured me that patients who have a fire in their belly and a “never say die” attitude to the surgery usually come out better than those that don’t. I underwent the surgery, had the tumor removed, was out of hospital in a few days with severe facial palsy and loss of inner ear, but I was alive and would recover.  After another health scare involving leaking brain fluid I was back to work within a month.

I had won the fight. The surgery had certainly saved my life. I now had a chance to see my kids grow up and achieve my dreams.

Never Surrender

The surgeon was surprised at the speed of my recovery, but then he didn’t know that we Alcoholics are extremely mission orientated and often over-achievers. We are simply held back and held hostage by booze. Our main struggle is with ourselves, we are torn and sway between hope and despair and our response is to resist and fight with everyone and everything. I saw my fight with my tumor as a sign that I had to change and turn a new leaf. Despite all of my goals to grab this as an opportunity to look after my health and become a better person I was soon drinking and worse than ever. The Booze had me.

The same “never surrender, never say die” attitude did not extend to my addiction. Alcohol is where my reasoning powers failed and where the main kink in my armor laid, an Achilles heel. My “Good Fight” did not lay there.

In the end, admission of defeat and surrender was exactly what was needed. I had won against a life threatening brain tumor but lost in the battle against my other disease, alcoholism. Surrendering it to a power greater than my self was the only way out.

Through grace I was freed from my compulsion to drink. My reprieve over addiction gave me a sense of purpose and “quiet resolve”. I no longer needed to fight everything and everyone; I was done with fighting at least the way I had done all my life. All I had to do was take life one day at a time and resolve not to drink and trust in the Force. The fear of death left me and I was determined to live and Fight for Life. There is no going back to what I was before, the Force is with me and I am one with the Force.

“I’m one with the Force, the Force is with me” – Chirrut “Rogue One”.

Choose Life

Some things cannot be avoided, death cannot be dodged for eternity, neither can illness or heartbreak or pain, they are all part of the human condition. How you choose to perceive these things and what you intend to do about what resides within your control is largely up to you. You can choose to go quietly in to the night or you can choose to go down fighting. You can choose to surrender to the Dark Side as Anakin and Ben Solo did or you can Choose Life and fight for that.

Perception and the Drama of Life

12 Step Jedi Gratitude, Perception

“Men are disturbed, not by things, but by the principles and notions which they form concerning things” – Epictetus (Enchiridion).

Hardship is how you perceive it.

It is never the event or thing that upsets us but rather our perception of it. The Stoics taught this very fundamental of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy more than 2000 years ago. They stumbled on a universal truth which has been highlighted by Philosophers for centuries and Psychologists for decades, that we make our own reality with our own minds.

The drama of life is often just that, a drama and as Mark Twain said “’I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” Viktor Frankl in “Man’s search for meaning” wrote that it was only his resolve to put his reality in to perspective that got him through three years in a Nazi Concentration Camp. Frankl refused to be mentally beaten by the Nazis. Realizing he had a choice, Frankl kept the hope alive that he would survive and see his family again and that conviction kept him alive despite the harrowing odds.

The US Airforce Pilot James Stockdale shot down over North Vietnam and imprisoned for seven years in the Hanoi Hilton where he was subjected to mental and physical torture survived his ordeal in the same way. By applying the mindset of the Stoics he was able to put his situation in to perspective and accept his condition. Stockdale resolved never to give up.

We only get upset by events or circumstance because of our perception of it rather than the reality of it. Our society today expects drama, outrage and accordingly people do not take responsibility for their actions. How you respond to any given moment in your life is entirely up to you.

Order 66

The Jedi were completely eliminated as an Order in “Episode 3: The Revenge of the Sith”. Emperor Palpatine, having ascended to executive power effectively took control of the Galactic Senate and the Clone Army and ordered an immediate putsch of the Jedi under Order 66. Yoda and Obi-wan Kenobi both survived the brutal round up and execution of almost all the Jedi and escaped in to exile and hiding.

Both Jedi Masters accepted their fates but continued to struggle and work towards a re-balance of the Force knowing that in time the prophecy would be fulfilled. After having been at the very top of the Republics Elite and commanders of the most powerful force in the Galaxy, both Jedi Masters were reduced to fugitives and largely forgotten by all but the Sith. They became a rumor, a myth to all other life forms in the Galaxy.

Despite such a calamity Obi-wan Kenobi and Yoda continued to have an impact on events long after Order 66. They never gave up.

Life on the Merry Go Round

My life was run by complications and drama for decades. I blamed everyone but myself for my predicaments real and imagined. My stupid mistakes alienated friends, family and colleagues and over the years I found people leaving my life. Relationships crumbled or became toxic. I could not hold down a job for long without screwing things up because of my drinking, selfishness, obstinacy and lying. Seeking a “Geographical Solution”, I moved around a lot. From state to state, overseas, anywhere as far as I could to get away from myself.

I would think that if I could move and set myself up somewhere and find like minded people all would go well but I failed to realize that everywhere I went, there I was and over time I would repeat the cycle of a positive start, a slow descent to disillusionment and finally disgrace and an exit. I refused to apologize for my actions or recognize that I was largely to blame for all the dramas in my life.

None of it was reality, it was simply my alcoholic personality finding fault where there was none and managing to take a situation that was in control and messing it up sometimes in a pathetic and sometimes in a hilariously comical fashion. I was on a Merry-Go ride I could not get off.

Setting things Right

As I began recovery I underwent a shift in perspective and started to closely analyze where I had gone wrong in all my of failed relationships, lost opportunities and mistakes. I come to realize where I had failed and where amends were needed. I listed all my errors and faults and the litany of alcohol fueled failures that spanned decades and entire continents. My sprees had had a global reach.

I got honest with myself and with others and where I could I made amends and started to view the world and my place in it in a different light. I realized that I am the author of my own story and I make choices that impact on myself and others and carry a great deal of personal responsibility for my actions. The world is not trying to beat me down and it owes me no favors especially not an apology.

Life is a struggle and that is what makes it so compelling and so beautiful at the same time. I realized that the attitude you take in to any situation largely decides the outcomes. Whether or not you will overcome difficulties or succumb to them is largely a matter of choice. Reality is simply a projection of our minds and the ego will sully our perception and force itself on to who we truly are. Once you realize that nothing can truly hurt or harm you unless you allow it to you start to claim your freedom and find your inner truth.

Gratitude is the Attitude

When things aren’t going well these days I remind myself to be grateful that I am in a position to be annoyed or frustrated. Things could always be a whole lot worse I remind myself. Everyone has bad days so I allow myself to as well. As hard as it can be sometimes, I try to consider the issue at hand mindfully and objectively.

I ask myself is what I am feeling valid, is the situation that upsets me real or an illusion? Do I have all the facts? Is my response proportionate and what is within my control to make it better? I put the event in to perspective and realize that on the balance things aren’t as bad as they might appear.

I take hope in my own recovery and see how far I have come and take inspiration from the stories of recovery from alcohol, abuse, mental and physical illness I read or hear. Not to mention the whole spectrum of tragedies and challenges that confront people every day. Things are not so bad on my side of the street.

I also realize that the common element in all of the stories of Hope and Survival is the innate human ability to find a deeper inner strength to not only overcome but to rise above loss and tragedy and emerge stronger and better.

Never ever give up.

“”Seek not to change the world, but choose to change your mind about the world” – ACIM (T-21.In.1:7).

Luck

12 Step Jedi Acceptance, Control, Perception

“We make our own Luck” – Obi-wan Kenobi

“No such thing as luck” – Mace Windu

The fictional Jedi believed in the will of the Force not Luck. They believed in the existence of fate however the future need not be predetermined. With free will comes the opportunity to create one’s own reality and thereby change the future. The Jedi prophesy of the coming of one who would bring balance to the Force depicts Jedi fatalism but also the power and change that one person could bring to the galaxy through the Force.

Jedi however did not place much credence on luck. They believed that luck alone can not save the day and that careful planning and completion of one’s duties mindfully ensured that desired outcomes were more probable.

Hard Luck

Anakin Skywalker grew up in the chaotic and lawless environment of Tatooine. Luck would have been a big part of surviving day to day in an environment where if Tusken Raiders did not get you, the Desert would. Existence on Tatooine was akin to the Wild West frontier;  Criminal gangs, Bounty Hunters, Mercenaries, Smugglers and Slave Traders and corrupt Merchants ruled while moisture farmers egged out a living from the terrain and tried to keep out of trouble and stay alive. Anakin depended on luck to survive. Much later as a Jedi Knight his penchant for dicing with chance continued.

“Luck of the Irish”

I used to joke that I had the “Luck of the Irish” due to the fact that I had survived many years of drunken misadventures. Fortune had smiled on me; I had not been killed or badly busted up in a fight, blown up or shot, hit by a car, mauled by a Bull in Pamplona or suffered a loss of limb in an industrial accident (although all of these things I had narrowly avoided). I still had most of my teeth, a straight nose, few physical scars and all my faculties and pieces in place. On most nights I could still drink most under the table and my liver had held up to the task. I was thumbing my nose to fate and claiming “luck” was on my side.

An honest gambler will tell you that eventually luck runs out. I had seen my gambling addicted father lose his pay month after month and still be believed that his “day would come”. It never did and he died a broke and broken man many years later.

My day however did come but not the way I expected.  In the span of a few years there were  stints in the Brig, a court martial and dishonorable discharge, run ins with the law, failed relationships, lost jobs, ailing health and a hospital admission in addition to everyday “bad luck”. These were just preludes to the eventual spiral to rock bottom.

I cursed whatever luck I had and damned God for dealing me a poor hand. I believed my “Irish Luck” had abandoned me or become “Mr Murphy”. I never once paused to think that perhaps I had made my own bad luck.

Reality Bites

Living in sober reality is accepting that some things go well and others don’t. We cannot control every single aspect of our lives or expect that things will turn out the way we want. What I have learned is it is not so much what happens to me but how I deal with it that matters.

I can view a bad turn of events as a loss or I can view it as an opportunity. If I did everything I could and things still didn’t turn out the way I planned I accepted that, picked up the pieces, salvaged what I could and went back to the drawing board or moved on.

Reverse Clause

The Stoics believed in the concept of “reverse clause” to deal with obstacles. The “reverse clause” is a back up option; it is the next best thing. In some cases it is the best thing. The treatment is entirely mental as at the end of the day all we have is our minds and the free will to choose how to respond to obstacles and misfortune. As an example if I’m on my way to the airport to catch a plane home and a traffic jam impedes my progress I can only do my best to find an alternate route. If I miss the plane, I don’t bemoan it as “bad luck” and get angry. I turn around and make the best of the situation and try to get home the next day. That’s life.

Despite everything that ever happened to me I still believe that I am “Lucky”. I still have my health and fitness, my career is going well and my family life although turbulent at times is doing well. Looking back at the times when I wallowed deep in self pity expecting life to do me favors, I can say that at the end of the day I simply made my own “Luck”. By working the steps and being true to the principles of honesty, humility, temperance and faith things started to work out.

Things do work out

Every moment in my life led me to this point. Had I never been a drunk and hit rock bottom I would never have discovered the steps and I would never have found Jedi Philosophy. I would not be the person I am today. More importantly, I would not be writing this and I would not be grateful for every sober day.

No matter what happens, fundamentally all is well. I play my part and leave it to the Force to determine the outcomes. Can you do the same or will you rely on Luck?

Revenge

12 Step Jedi Acceptance, Forgiveness

“Jedi don’t hold grudges” – Aurra Sing (Bounty Hunter)

Revenge is a recurring theme in the Star Wars saga. The Sith spent centuries seeking revenge against the Jedi in the old and the last Republic and finally succeed in the “Revenge of the Sith”. Boba Fett the clone son of the Mandalorian Bounty Hunter Jango Fett sought revenge against the Jedi Master Mace Windu for killing his Father during the Battle of Geonosis in “Attack of the Clones”.  Asajj Ventress, one of the most compelling and lethal characters in “The Clone Wars” is betrayed by her Master Count Dooku during the Battle of Sullust. The Dathomirian Assassin then attempts several times to exact her revenge and kill Dooku. Failing every time, Ventress finally decides to set aside her lust for revenge and seek a new life.

“A Season in Hell”

There is a Sicilian proverb which translates to “Revenge is a season in Hell”. The “Dish best served Cold” may seem satisfying when carried out for a perceived injustice but my experience has shown otherwise. Anger, resentment, hatred and a thirst for restitution and revenge are burdens on the mind and soul. In the end it achieves nothing and leaves an emptiness and a scar that runs deep.

Revenge has become confused at times with Justice. The complex issue of retaliating to terror attacks for example can often seem unclear and ill thought. Revenge leads to more violence and so on. During my time in the Army the desire to extract revenge for a comrade killed by an IED would lead us to do things that were ethically and morally questionable. We felt it was justified, it felt good and the brass mostly looked the other way. Our self righteousness and anger gave us the fuel we needed and you were either in or out. Whether it was a dead or wounded soldier or an affront to unit honor, we wanted “pay back”.

I still think about the violence and the anger which dominated my life for five years. The effect it had on all of us then remains in part today. Sometimes the regret of actions, the way we treated each other and especially people weaker than us is remembered. I was angry and wanted pay back for years. I would think of my childhood, my dead mother, my drunken father and his fists, the bullies at school, the Nuns and Priests who would abuse us physically and mentally in boarding school. There was the process of bastardization and dehumanization experienced in the Army. I was riddled with anger and resentment for years. I wanted revenge but there was no specific person I could exact it on, so I drank and decided one day I would make the world pay.

It is true, revenge is a season in Hell and I spent the better part of 25 years in my own self made Hell. I was no longer under the control of a parent, school, institution or government but I was completely owned by Booze. In that grey cold place between sanity and insanity and living and dying nothing seems real. We drink to make life bearable and we blame the world for our troubles. In the end there is only two choices; continue down the slippery slope or start forgiving and start the long road to recovery.

Forgiveness

I took Step 4 some time ago and wept like a child as I wrote my long discourse of misery. All of the anger, fear, resentment and revenge seeking that I had held had left me broken.  I forgave myself and I let all of it go, leaving it to the past and in the hands of whatever Higher Power I had conceived. By forgiving myself I was able to forgive the world. It felt as if the weight I’d carried for all those years fell away like some dark heavy cloak. The clouds parted and for once I felt real hope that the nightmare was over. I set out to list those I had harmed and started to make amends one by one.

In “The Clone Wars”, Bobba Fett infiltrates Geonosis and with the help of the Bounty Hunter Aurra Sing attempts to kill Mace Windu. The attempt fails and Boba is captured and imprisoned on Coruscant. Face to face with the man who killed his father Boba Fett vows he will one day have his revenge:

“I see now I’ve done terrible things. But you started when you murdered my father! I’ll never forgive you.”
“Hmm. Well, you’re going to have to. Take him away.“

Boba Fett and Mace Windu

In the end we never find out if Boba Fett forgave Mace Windu after the Jedi Master was killed by Darth Sidious. Asajj Ventress attempted one more time to kill Count Dooku, this time with the help of Jedi Master Quinlan Vos. The Jedi Council wanted Dooku dead to bring an end to the war and Ventress saw an opportunity. During the adventure Ventress fell in love with Vos and it is that love and the sacrifice of her life to save her lover that redeems her, not revenge.

Brother’s Keeper

12 Step Jedi Emotional Sobriety, Philosophy, Relationships

“You were my Brother Anakin, I loved you!” – Obi-wan Kenobi (The Revenge of the Sith).

The Padawan – Master relationship as depicted in the Star Wars fiction was a special one. The bond that formed between Padawan and Master was more than professional; it was a strong and unbreakable partnership that transcended normal boundaries. The Padawan relied on the Master for mentorship and guidance on the Jedi Path but also in every aspect of living as a Jedi. The Master protected the Padawan to the risk of his own life and the Padawan did all she could to support her Master. Over time the bond became great and an affection and love evolved transcending even death.

When Yoda assigned Ahsoka Tano to Anakin he knew that the Jedi Knight would do all he could to resist being encumbered by a young Padawan. Yoda knew that Anakin needed to take on a Padawan to teach and mentor for his own good. By watching over someone with less experience than he, Anakin would learn patience, compassion and empathy. Anakin would also have to face attachment as Yoda knew that he would eventually grow fond of his Padawan and be reluctant to let her go.

Obi-wan Kenobi had watched Anakin grow and had taken him through the academy on Coruscant and then taught him to be a Jedi in the field. In that time, Obi-wan considered Anakin as a brother. Despite Jedi training in non-attachment, Obi-wan grew attached to Anakin. In time a similar relationship would grow between Ahsoka Tano and Anakin. The many differences, disagreements, competitive nature and strong personalities between the two ensured that a strong “Brother-Sister” bond would form.

Brother’s Keeper

In the Army I first learned the concept of “Brother’s Keeper”.  It is also a term I hear today out on the Rigs. In the Army, all of my buddies were “Brothers”. Some of us had come through boot camp together and had been posted to the same battalion. The others had arrived at different times. Some had been there for months, some for years.

In the beginning “F***n New Guys” were treated like crap. We got the short end of every situation and assigned the crappiest details. In the field we were given extra guard, got the latrine duties and were “volunteered” for the worst tasks. You cleaned your weapon and then got all the support weapons to clean too and maybe the NCO’s. You got extra guard duty and less sleep. At the end of the day you accepted it, the biggest mistake you could make was to shirk your duties or complain. You took it with a grin.

Months passed and something happened; new guys arrived to replace those who had moved on and the pressure dropped off. All of the sudden you start to get treated differently. They cut you slack at last, you began to feel accepted. You had started to prove your worth.

More time passes and you go out on long exercises and then you might deploy. The fragile bonds that had existed previously now get stronger. The shared experience of discomfort, pain, hunger, fatigue and fear create an indelible bond that transcends normal friendships.

You know the guy next to you more than your own brother back home. You call him all sorts of names and occasionally trade blows but you love him like a Brother and share everything. If you had to you would lay down your life for him and you know he would do the same. This is “Brother’s Keeper”. There is nothing like it in the “real” world that comes close outside of family with the exception of the Police and Emergency services.

“I watch you, you watch me”

On the Rigs “Brother’s Keeper” is a term they used for safety. There are three types of safety in the workplace. The first is “I expect you to look after me”, this is called dependence. The second is “I look after me”, this is independence, the most common form you see “safety is your responsibility”. The third and most mature evolution is “we look after each other”, I watch your back and everyone else. This is known as “Brother’s Keeper” and it is the norm in the highly dangerous environment of the industry. It is the closest thing I have found to the warrior-brother bond outside in the civilian world.

Survivors on a Life Raft

There is one exception where “Brother’s Keeper” applies and that is in the rooms and halls of recovery. In recovery we are not in isolation. There are millions of others who also suffer. Every time I meet an alcoholic in recovery, someone who has gone through the same wringer as me and hit “rock bottom” but found his or her way out, I feel a sense that this is my brother or sister. We are united by a common bond of shared experience, despair and hope. The relationship that exists between the Sponsor and Sponsee embarking on the 12 Steps can also be powerful. There is mutual trust, respect and need.

“But there exists among us a fellowship, friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful. We are like the passengers of a great liner the moment after rescue from shipwreck when camaraderie, joyousness and democracy pervade the vessel from steerage to Captain’s table. Unlike the feelings of the ship’s passengers, however, our joy in escape from disaster does not subside as we go our individual ways. The feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us. But that in itself would never have held us together as we are now joined” – The Big Book Chapter 2.

More than 25 years after leaving the Army I still feel a strong bond to my “Brothers in Arms”. It is unspoken and never celebrated openly but it is tangible during the rare times we reconnect. Years may have passed, people change but we remember what it was like and how we relied on each other to get through. I now rely on the recovery community for the inspiration and strength to help guide me through the high and lows of my journey to recovery. They are my “Brothers Keeper” and I am theirs.

Ego

12 Step Jedi Ego, Service

“Luminous beings we are, not this crude matter” – Yoda

The ego is all that separates us from knowledge of who we truly are. I have heard something along these lines many times; it is the nature of duality, the illusion of separation of self from the source. As a Jedi I view it as the perceived separation from the Force, we believe ourselves to be separate egos and the fear, anger and chaos that the illusion of separation engenders leads to conflict and competition.

Yoda said “Luminous beings we are, not this crude matter”, although a fictional line in a movie it contains the very essence of the idea of the illusory nature of separation and our material existence. We are more magnificent than can be imagined, we have simply forgotten who and what we are in this grand cosmic game and are ruled by the Ego. The Ego is only an illusion, a construct that arises from the confusion as to who and what we truly are.

Many traditions and religions teach that death leads to the end of the Ego and transcendence of the soul to unity with the spiritual source. While the spiritual dimension of Jedi philosophy is best left to be resolved by each practitioner at the personal level, the concept of Ego and the Force as it relates to our time on this plane is central to Jedi Philosophy.  In order to be Jedi one must confront the Ego and push it to the background rather than letting it dictate thoughts, words and actions.

Imagine no Ego

If the Ego is simply a mask, a veil against our divine nature and a filter through which intent, thoughts, decision, words and actions are made then it makes sense that the Ego can be pushed back and even made irrelevant in our lives. Imagine a life without the influence of the Ego? For me there would be no more selfish decisions that centered on what was right for me. I would be more inclined to do what is in the benefit for everyone.

There would be no more need for conflict as I would be able to make greater concessions and negotiate outcomes without feeling cheated or short changed. My relationships would be better and I would be happier in being of greater service to everyone. My life would be about service and sharing for the sake of it, not for some tangible return although I would be richly rewarded in the pleasure that would bring.

I would not need to lie, cheat, avoid situations, hide facts, fear the future or regret the past I would be able to live in complete serenity and equanimity from moment to moment accepting life on life’s terms and being able to forgive and let go of any residual pain. This all sounds wonderful doesn’t it?

Deflation of Ego

In the program one often hears the term “deflation of ego” as being a vital spiritual experience often had by hopeless alcoholics who have hit “rock bottom”. The outcome is they suddenly and inexplicably never drink again and nothing but a spiritual experience can explain it. These are people who have previously tried everything to stop drinking and failed. When an alcoholic or an addict becomes so morally and spirituality bankrupt and effectively hit “rock bottom” they have nothing left and descended to a very dark place emotionally and spiritually.

I have been there and I can attest that it is the closest metaphor for hell that I can think of. Ekhart Tolle describes it in his book “Power of Now” as a place beyond time and place from which he awoke with a new vision of what life really is and a message for the world. Bill W too experienced the moment before he found his spiritual source and regained his life from hopeless alcoholism. Jesus and Saint Francis of Assisi and the Buddha all experienced this “deflation of ego” at their worst moments and emerged enlightened.

In Star Wars, Anakin hit “rock bottom” in the “Revenge of the Sith” as he turned to the dark side and service to Darth Sidious. The light saber duel on Mustafar between Anakin and Obi wan-Kenobi and his horrific and painful defeat in the lava flows was a parable for the final descent in to a personal hell. Unlike the others though, Anakin did not ascend from his personal hell but went further and completely embraced the dark side becoming Darth Vader.  Anakin did not experience a “deflation of ego”

Service is the key

Service is a big part of the 12 Step Program because serving others gets us out of ourselves. We no longer focus on our own problems but seek to help others with theirs. Sincere and genuine service, selfless actions of love and compassion are the key to connecting with who you truly are.

We all live busy lives. Some of us volunteers our time to causes or seek work where “giving back” is a big part of it. Many of us are busy trying to live from day to day and just get by. For me, service starts at home with taking care of my family and doing the best I can in my work. In the program, service can be as simple as sharing a personal story with a newbie starting off in recovery or volunteering to keep meetings going. Just showing up is service.

People are happier when they feel validated and part of a community. When they have a chance to help others and feel valued. I believe that’s what we truly are. We are more than “crude matter”, we are more than just Ego.